Whether we like it or not, we all feel the need to belong. Be it at a sports game where we all wear the same Tshirts, be it with our family where we all resemble each other or the wearing of wedding rings. Woman with children want to belong and be understood, and so coffee groups were born. People feel the need to belong with people who believe the same things as they do, and so visit churches in their droves. Cult groups of those that like radio shows, television shows or just famous personalities have sprung up on Facebook – another way that we all belong to each other.
Being far from home, I feel the same need to belong. I have managed to find my own urban family in London where I now live. I belong there and we belong to each other. I am very grateful for their presence in my life, without them I don’t think that I would still be living in London, I would have given up and gone home ages ago. I spend a significant amount of time with them and it was upon having a discussion with a close member of this family that we began discussing the need to belong. She felt that most people were individuals and were able to get along without belonging to a certain group. I felt that most people belong in ways that they are most probably not aware of.
Waitangi Weekend this year, on the Friday of this weekend, I forgot to put my bone carving on around my neck. I felt its absence all day and it was the first thing that I put on when I got home. The thing is that this carving was given to me on the day that I left NZ by a very close friend of mine. Once I put it on, it takes me a long time to take it off. Part of me likes the way that it makes me belong to a group of people that are 12000 miles away, and that it denotes me as belonging to them. Then in the midst of this feeling, Christchurch happened. And more than ever I clung to what was home and solidarity with the group of people who were going through this tragedy. At this time my urban family came into play bigtime. We spent most of the first week of this nightmare together, living in each other’s pockets and holding each other as we cried. And I felt the need to belong even more keenly. We needed to be with people who understood what it was like to feel that horror. Whilst others sympathised they could not fully understand what it was like. And the carving stayed where it belonged – around my neck.
This weekend I am going to a fancy dress party, and I am going as a Stepford Wife. I have a fab dress, heels and will be fixing my hair Stepford. The problem for me is, that I need to take this carving off. And it’s got me torn. It seems silly. Just take it off. Put it back on later. But then I might not belong. So strong is my feeling of needing to belong right now. Part of me thinks that it has a lot to do with where I am right now. My job is shaky at the moment, so I might no longer belong to the first job I had when I came to England. The people who work there have become my good friends. I don’t have a partner right now, so I don’t have the privilege of belonging to a couple. I miss my family and whilst I know that I belong there no matter what – I felt very lonely on the weekend that my sister held her engagement party. My urban family were there for me in that moment.
So what makes you belong? Where do you feel that you matter? Am I crazy to be feeling this so strongly?
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