My adventures on Tinder

Two weeks ago, at yet another farewell dinner, a young British girl told me about a new dating app called Tinder. She had been on a few dates with different people and it was working well for her. It was different to before, there was no risk, you can only message those that you know like you, as to connect with people you both have to say that you like each other. The cringe factor is gone. What's not to like?

So I downloaded the app straight away. It works through Facebook with your photos from there, but does not post on your behalf. Within 10mins I had 6 matches. Because I am old fashioned, shy and nervous, I waited for the men to message me. The first message read 'Fancy a fuck' ummm nope, that is not even a good come on. So I blocked that douche.

A week later, another man began to message me. I was out shopping for my organic bits and pieces and it started out innocently enough. 'How are you? What you up to?' And then 'So would you be interested in making my sexual fantasies come true? In exchange, I would be willing to make yours come true as well'. Hmmm ok so exactly what did you have in mind – apparently a threesome with two woman and I would have to find the other woman. Umm, again, no thanks.

Up to bat, man number three. I will be honest and say that he was not one of my favourite choices, but we bantered for about an hour and he seemed really nice. But never be too trusting. The question was innocent enough, 'Why are you on tinder and what are you looking for?' My answer was that I was looking for a bit of conversation and banter and seeing where that led. He laughed and said, you will never find that on here, its more of a casual sex app, and you are way to nice to be on this app. And I appreciated his honesty. And we agreed that we would perhaps meet up for a drink when I am back from holiday.

The reality is that I am unlikely to meet him. I am deleting my profile from Tinder, it was a nice holiday, but not somewhere that I want to stay for long. The reality is that I am far to socially awkward and have too many self confidence issues to make a habit out of casual sex. I need way more than that to fall into bed with someone.  Whilst I am not a prude, if I was to consider any of the number of things that were suggested to me, I would prefer that to be with someone I know and trust.  Not a complete stranger, after one drink in a bar. What worries me, if this is the way forward, how on earth am I going to meet someone? According to this article, Tinder could be our new reality.

So that was my experience with Tinder. Not one that I am likely to repeat, or can honestly say that I enjoyed. Call me old fashioned, but I need a bit of wooing, a bit of banter, and for someone to appreciate me for my mind as well as my body. And I truly doubt that I am going to meet my husband or baby daddy on this website. Onwards and Upwards I say.

Ranting for the good of the world

Its been a strange week of personal bests at bootcamp and too many cocktails. We have had a new temporary flatmate move in, I have met a friends baby and wondered how on earth my nephew has just turned 9? Where on earth have that 9 years gone? I finally have a few quiet moments to write as I have a lemon drizzle cake in the oven, before I put on the ritz and head out to a posh tea party, before heading to Ipsden tomorrow to see some good friends for a birthday. I am really looking forward to Greece, where I will lie on a beach in the sun, leaving this torrential London rain behind.

There are a few things that have caught my attention this week so here goes...

The first gay marriages have occurred in my homeland NZ. Surprisingly, this did not coincide with the world ending, the sun did rise. But also there was not a surge of straight Christians filing for divorce, as they felt that their marriage had been devalued now that we were all equal. There is a saying that my fav radio DJ's have coined, which I feel very appropriate – Worry about your own dick – I agree that it should be made into a fridge magnet. One of my British friends laughed for a long time when I said that to him, he thought it was a very pragmatic kiwi way of looking at things. I just think when our children look back at this time and we have to explain to them why people were so outraged about gay people, and we stumble as to why this happened in the first place, those who took to the streets to march against gay rights are going to look rather foolish, similar to how we now look at those who discriminated against black people in South Africa and the United States. I am pleased that now my numerous gay friends are a step closer to being equal and I can attend a number of fabulous gay weddings.

Whilst we are on the equality rant, why is it that as the rights of one group rise, the rights of another are slowly being rescinded. It is a worrying time to be a woman in the world. Very slowly the fights that were fought decades ago, are having to be re won. Rights should not be something that you have to renew every ten years and hope that the patriarchs allow you to keep them. This week we have had UKIP treasurer, Stuart Wheeler, state that woman are unsuited to be on the boards of companies as they are not skilled in chess or bridge, so are therefore unsuited to business. What the fuck? Whilst its easy to dismiss these comments as the ramblings of an old bigoted white man whose party are well know for their intolerance, it is not as if he is alone in these thoughts. Its was only a few years ago that woman in NZ were aghast when Alasdair Thompson, Trade Union rep said on national television that he thought that woman were unsuited to the workforce as they took more leave than men, due to their periods and having babies. When he was asked to back up his claims with actual figures he could not. Great so someone who is leading a trade union is as biased as the people he is supposed to be fighting against.

I have noticed in the last few months, that a number of my favourite television programmes seem to be buying into the stereotype, that woman cannot have it all the way that men can. It pains me to say that Suits – one of the best drama/comedies on UK television is victim to this. The main women characters in this New York city based legal drama, are either a cut throat or weak, no inbetween. We have Jessica – the head of the firm who does not seem to have a personal life at all, is just there trying to keep the men in line and has made a point of stepping over other woman to get to her position of power, we have Rachel, who at the end of season two was left having to chose between her career and the man she loves, and we have Donna, the secretary who is apparently secretly in love with her boss, and again does not seem to have a life outside the career that she has devoted her life and ovaries too. This slick drama that has amazing plot lines, great costuming and wonderful one liners, could be a great vehicle to show that woman can cut it with men, that they are more than just decoration for the office and that we actually have brains in our heads. I have high hopes that season three will portray all of these and provide woman with amazing role models.

Thomas Jefferson once said 'Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty'. In a month where we have seen Russia legislate against being gay, where its athletes have reinforced their stance by saying that in Russia, people are normal, woman and men date each other and that is it, where we have seen great debate over which woman should be on the £10 note, as it was decided it was time to update the notes and there was a real danger that we would not have seen a woman on there at all, it seems that we all need to be more vigilant than ever. Whilst I am not necessarily in agreement that Jane Austin was the best choice for the £10 note, I was appalled that we were facing the possibility that there would not be a single female face other than the Queen on the currency at all. Britain is full of woman who have helped make this country great – even if was a picture of the women who helped in the war effort it would have been better than yet another old, white man on the currency.

The thing is that normally I don't have a good rant like this, but I believe that its about time that people stood up for what they believed in. I recently saw an interview with the band Fun, who I quite simply adore, they seem like nice decent human beings, as well as having catchy songs and being brilliant performers. They said that this is decade when people who are not affected by prejudice, will have to make a point of standing up for those who are. They have actively campaigned for gay rights the world over. I recently saw a post on facebook where they were rejoicing the failure of the Defence of Marriage Act in the USA. A number of people commented that it was not for rock stars to make political statements and that they would now be deleting their songs from their devices. I am proud of them for using their power for good – unlike other 'stars' who use their twitter accounts to promote the latest fashion or product, and charge ridiculous sums of money for doing so. As far as I am aware Fun campaign for free. I would rather live in a world where I knew that my daughters (should they ever arrive!) were going to be paid the same as their male counterparts, that they could travel the world without fear of sexual abuse, and that if they wanted to love another woman, that they would not be persecuted for it.  And that my sons, will be taught that women are equal to them and deserve the same respect as men, that if they want to love another man that they have the right to do so, and if they want to enter a 'caring' profession that they will not be discriminated against for their choices. This is the world that I want to pass on.

Right rant over, back to the kitchen, where I chose to be, after a really busy week where I worked as hard and was paid the same as the men in my office. I am one of the lucky ones in so many ways. Hopefully, where ever you are in the world, you are also as lucky.

Weddings and Babies - when will the hurting stop?

So its been years since I have eaten the skin off chicken and I had some yesterday. It smelled amazing when it was cooking, but I didn't rate it when I ate it. It was BBQ flavour. That has nothing at all to do with what I want to talk about, but thought that it was interesting that after years of eating skinless boneless chicken that I can no longer appreciate how delicious it is...

What I wanted to talk about today, was how you see yourself in others, especially if they are going through similar things to you, about the same time that you went through them in your life and how it blows my mind at just how similar we can all be.

Its Summer here in the UK and for a change it has been a corker. I am more tan now than I was the last time I came back from NZ. My body is drinking in the vitamin D and loving it. Of course it helps that there is no ozone hole here. I have vowed never to complain about the heat as there is never enough of it in this country and I stand by that. Even when its been 30 degrees at midnight and I am sweltering in my bed, I know that soon enough I will be shivering in my coat and dreaming of a Summer get away.

Summer brings the wedding season. Whilst I love a good wedding, in my last blog, I discussed my issues with weddings. Couples love weddings, if they are already married, they like to relive their wedding and get very cuddly and touchy feely. If they are not married, they recognise the love in the happy couple, reflected in their own, and get all cuddly and touchy feely. I can honestly say, that I have never been to a wedding with a partner, that has had that effect, which says more about the choice of partner than the wedding. Which is why going to a wedding as a single person is a nightmare fraught with emotions. The feeling of being excluded from all of the love, the expense – with no one to split the gift costs, travel costs or even accommodation costs, it can get really pricey, and then there is the fun of being sat at the singles table.

In my last blog I expressed my surprise at not feeling upset at the last wedding I went to. There are a few reasons for this, if I wanted to, I was allowed to bring a friend. I opted not to as I know how expensive weddings are to put on, and also I was happy enough to go on my own, as having met a number of the girls at the hens weekend, I was comfortable with them. I was also super excited for Nic & Gareth, I love them to bits. There was a bit of travel and excitement either side as well and well, I was just to busy to feel upset.

I am lucky that this year, I only had one wedding to attend. However, one of the boys, has not been so lucky. He was sighing the other day and when I pressed him a bit, he said that he was getting sick of attending weddings on his own and that he was also sick of seeing all of his friends getting married, having kids and generally moving on with their lives, when he did not even have a girlfriend. Wow, was he preaching to the choir. I resisted the urge to hand him a punnet of icecream and sit him down to watch The Notebook with me.

It was a surprise to me that men felt that way too. I guess I have always felt, that to a certain degree that man hold the balance of power when it comes to dating and romance. Having seen way to many chick flicks and read way to many books and been on the dating scene myself for sometime, I have certainly felt this way. I know that despite just about every person I know has tried to discourage me from feeling this way, and has encouraged me to ask men for their numbers, I am cautious. One of the biggest barriers to me doing this, is that when woman reach a certain age or stage in their lives, that men seem to think that they reek of desperation and that they are just after marriage and babies and are crazy enough to make them uncomfortable in their pursuit for it. I have listened to many a conversation in a pub where men retell their close escapes from these crazy woman. I have no desire to be the topic of this conversation. I have dignity and pride, and whilst I want marriage and babies, I am not desperate for it. I want it with the right person and the reality is that I have not met that person yet. I am happy with the life that I currently lead, I would just like someone to share it with and if that leads to marriage and babies in due course, than great.

So when I heard from this boy that he was feeling bereft of girl company, I was surprised. He is good looking, has a good job and in my mind, could ask out any one he wanted. And yet he was telling me how it was. I guess that the lesson there for me is that men are just as nuts as woman and that we all just need to ask for what we want a lot more. As a side note he has told me that I should be bolder and definitely ask more men out. Hmmm will bear that one in mind.

Whilst it may not be weddings for me at the moment, its freaking babies. Sorry lovely, snuggly, snuffly, squishy babies. Its no secret that I would love to be a Mum and when I am, that baby will be the apple of my eye. So its getting to me, that 99% of my friends are either with child, have a newborn or even one of them got really greedy and had twins. If I hear of one more couple having a baby I may just scream. Please do not get me wrong. I am very happy for those with the babies, they all are amazing parents, its just that I am so freaking jealous. Watching One born every minute and Offspring does not help.

Two people very close to me are currently pregnant. My sister is due on the 20^th of December. I am really struggling with not being there the way that I was for Sam. Sam and I have a close relationship today, due to the work that I put into building that when he was an itty bitty. He used to cry when I left, I would often not realise that he was at my parents and hear him crawling as fast as he could to come find where I was when he had heard my voice. The sad thing is that this baby will not know me that way and I am worried that I will never be as close to them.

The other person is my amazing friend Fe, who is due on my birthday. Which I am stoked about as its the day after her birthday. Fe and I may not speak very often, but when we do its awesome. Fe lives in Aussie, so she will be on the baby visiting tour that I will be undertaking next year. This tour will be at an undecided time, as currently my job is ending in March, so it could be March, or I could have a new job and need to put in some hard yards before I can take off for the 6 weeks that I will need to be home for.

Again the reality is that I have no one that I want a baby with right now, and it would be a major change from the student life that I currently lead, but a change that I would happily make. Apparently there has been a noticeable upsurge in woman in their 30's visiting fertility clinics and going it alone, with donor spunk to have babies. I can understand this. We are in an age where we are constantly reminded that we should live our lives and not have any regrets. The last thing that I want is to be 60, and thinking, I wish that I had a baby and a family. I really hope that it does not come to donor for me, but maybe this is just the reality for this generation. It will be interesting to see if this becomes a trend in the future and what impact this will have on society.

Anyway, that is probably enough of my wittering for this blog post. I have learned a lot about people this week and probably a bit about myself as well. And of course been so freaking busy, with my fab job, going to bootcamp and seeing my friends. Hopefully I can spend more time talking to you all, I was planning a quiet August after all. Its yet to pan out, but I am hopeful that it will soon. Ka Kite for now xx