Enough is Enough

Lately I have not had a lot of time for the people who are important to me.  I have been so very busy with work, with being social, with the gym, with, well everything.  I have referred to as Miss Busy, Busy Bee and Miss Crazy Busy.  And it has been stressing me out, I have been trying to fit way to much into my life.  I have been stressing about how I am going to afford my visa, how much I work, do I need a new job, when will I grow up, when will I move home, and a whole host of other things that I have no real consequence but added to all of this other stuff, are leading me down the path to a total meltdown.

Then this came up on my news feed.

And it stopped me dead in my tracks (ok only for about two secs, but it did stop me).  It’s easy to think that you are the only person who feels like they want the world to stop or fuck off for a while.  I have come to regard my room as my sanctuary.  I like to hibernate in there for long periods of time on the weekend and get very annoyed when my Saturday morning sleep in is disrupted.

But it did get me thinking, what has caused this post it note to be something that most of my friends ‘liked’ and reposted?

Are we a generation that is trying to fit everything in and are forgetting to stop and appreciate ourselves and what we have.  Is this something that only woman feel?  I looked back at my week.  Friday night I had a friend’s birthday at my fav pub, oh, that’s right, only after a few work drinks to celebrate a major contract we had won.  Saturday it was running and gyming, followed by dinner with a really fun new friend and one of my fav people at my fav pub, Sunday was movies and an unexpectedly fun dinner (when I should have been at the gym), Monday was a work function till 8pm, then heading to the other side of the city for a friends gig, Tuesday was my night off when I should have been in the gym, but ended up having wine with friends and then vegeing on the couch, oh the guilt.  Wednesday was work pub quiz, Thursday is work event in Euston and tomorrow will be a concert in Hyde park in the pissing rain.  Phew, I feel exhausted just writing and reading that back.  No wonder I am feeling like hiding underneath the covers. 

So why have I subjected myself to two garden parties in the torrential rain this week?  Why have I suited up for beekeeping, when I could have really used the time to be organising the massive European conference that I am neck deep in?  Why have I avoided the gym and felt so awful about it?  Why will I be attending my second working breakfast of the week tomorrow?

Because I feel that someone will think less of me if I don’t.  At work I might be branded lazy if I don’t keep up the gruelling pace set by everyone trying to outdo each other.  My friends might be hurt if I don’t keep up with them, and god knows that I need them to stay sane.  I go a bit nuts if I don’t see my bestie for more than a few days.  It’s amazing how some people keep you so grounded and are able to balance out your nuttiness.  Over the last month it’s been really hard, there was a period of about two weeks when we didn’t see each other, and I felt like I had lost a limb.  I was so happy to see them again and catch up, we text most days, but it’s not the same as a hug and a good chat over a drink or two. 

And there is also the severe FOMO that I suffer from.  Fear of Missing Out is a great motivator.  What if I don’t go to the work event and then miss out on making a great contact that could see my life better in the future?  What if I don’t have drinks with friends and miss out on meeting someone really fun?  Or having the best night of my life?  What if I don’t attend the class and miss out seeing something really cool happen to the bees?

This phenomenon seems to be a recent event and unique to our generation.  We are constantly being encouraged to love every minute of our lives, YOLO – which I hate by the way, who thought that shit up, is bandied about far too often.  You can sleep when you are dead, you should go mental when you are young and experience everything that is open to you.  The thing is, I have experienced a lot more than many people that I know.  At 25 I owned a home and was in a long term serious relationship.  Tick.  That didn’t work out so I decided to travel the world, but the bugger about that is, the more you see the more you want. So half tick.  I was once the youngest female supervisor of a claims department, so my career was pretty cool.  Tick.  I have seen more concerts than most people I know, I was horrified when a nice man I met the other day told me he had only ever been to one concert. So Tick.  I have bungee jumped.  Tick.  So surely I and the world should now give me a break and let me be? 

The thing is these days woman are expected to do more than the generation before them.  We are expected to be working mothers.  I can’t wait to be a mum, but at the same time I know it’s going to be bloody hard work.  Working, caring for children, cooking dinner, keeping house, paying bills, all the kids activities, ensuring something is left over for me, and most likely holding down some kind of relationship with whoever fathers these kids!  And finding time for my friends who as noted above keep me sane.  Looking back at previous generations, they seem like simpler times.  Don’t get me wrong they had their own set of issues to deal with, desperate housewives and all.  But I can’t help but feel we have gone too far in the other direction.  Is there not a happy medium where a woman can feel that she has done enough and that she is enough?

But I guess that is the point of the post it.  Right now it’s very likely that I am enough, I have enough and that I have done enough.  If only I had two seconds to recognise it.

Life is a Highway

Life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long…  I rode a highway for most of yesterday and it was pretty good.  In my last post I said that life was a rollercoaster, I guess that right now life feels a bit like a metaphor for me.  Either a highway, which I am currently cruising alone, or a rollercoaster where I feel like it’s all a bit much.  Anyhoo, here is what has been happening in the last three weeks:

Bath – I ventured there for a Hens weekend.  The 7 of us had a fabulous apartment, right in the City Centre and spent an afternoon in the spa.  The weekend was so much fun, incredibly exhausting and very therapeutic.  We laughed a lot and had a ball.  We laughed a lot at The Cinderella Story with Hilary Duff - would not recommend this movie unless there is really nothing else to watch.  We had a fabulous time and I made couple of new friends.  Roll on the wedding.

Brighton – I helped to move my very good friend move to Brighton yesterday.  It was a great day but very exhausting.  I drove a van for about 12 hours.  It’s been a long time since I have had to concentrate for that long consistently.  The weather fined up for us, when I was walking to the van it was pouring and I was thinking that it was going to be a miserable day in the rain.  The traffic was a nightmare, but she is there now and settling in.  I also found the fabled shop with the relatively cheap Banksy Prints.  They are now hung up in my home and I am in love with them.

Rock of Ages – I loved this movie.  It was funny, feelgood and the music was fabulous.  It was so strange to see Tom Cruise dressed up like a cross between Axl Rose and Brett Michaels.  What was more disturbing is that I kinda fancied him like that.  Maybe my dream man wears heavier eye liner than me and is an 80’s glam rocker?!?  See this movie if you get a chance.

Pub Life – the pub has been saved and I am settling back into it.  A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to venture out to Homelanz with these guys.  It was great to eat delicious, honest, Kiwi food and to hear Kora play.  They were a hilarious mix of cringeworthy jokes and good beats.   Even more exciting has been that my good friends parents have been visiting, they already feel like family to me even though I have never met them.  It’s nice to meet someone who says – I have heard so much about you. 

 

Flatmate hunting – this is about to begin.  I hate flatmate hunting – so much depends on a 20 minute interview.  You could end up with a psycho.  My Mum told me a story about a man who unknowingly let a released mental patient move in, and during the day two weeks into him living there, he stabbed him to death.  Horror stories aside, everyone can appear normal for a short amount of time.

Offspring – I am an addict.  I so want Nina and Patrick to be together, he is just so lovely, and has an amazing tattoo, but all of that aside, I have to believe that things will go right for Nina.  I know that all woman see themselves in people like Nina or Bridget Jones, but I really see my life in these people.  (I have been called on a number of occasions, by different people, the kiwi Bridget)  A series of events, that are fun, and a group of friends who are as crazy as they are wonderful, but a nearly happy ending.  I have to believe for my own sake that there will be a happy ending. 

 

Lazy Sundays – it’s been a while since I have had a truly lazy Sunday and I am wallowing in this one.  I have caught up on tele, hung a few pictures and am now contemplating a movie on my own, unless the friend fairy conjures up something more exciting to drag me out of this malaise.  I have the feeling that something exciting is just around the corner, I just wish it would hurry the frick up. 

So these are the things that have occupied me over the last few weeks – throw in a mix of gyming, a few drinks, a lot of missing my friends and family, a smattering of useless worrying and a fair chunk of frustration at my job, and you have my life.