Worrying - it's shit

I have begun watching a new programme called Offspring.  Its great and I love it.  It is made and set in Australia and centres around the Proudman family.  The main character Nina is an obstetrician.  But she is also a worrier.  She narrates her thoughts so we are privy to the worry, the self doubt, the wanting, the loathing and the humour.  We get the lot.  And Nina reminds me of me.

The first episode sees it all becoming a bit much for Nina and she ends up lying on her bed, having a panic attack.  The next thing you know, her sister is holding a paper bag to her mouth helping her to breathe, so it’s a pretty bad one.  God have I been there.  There is nothing worse, your thoughts are racing, and it feels like there is a weight on your chest that consists of your own and everyone else’s problems and you just cannot escape.  The problem is that most of these issues are blown out of all proportion and actually, there is nothing to worry about.  But it will be a while after the panic attack before you can realise this.  Of course there is also the point, that worrying is the most useless emotion ever, worrying will not fix the problem.

I go through periods of extreme worrying.  I will become an insomniac over it.  I will lie awake staring at the ceiling worrying about anything and everything.  I will cry a bit.  I will be hot so I will get up.  I will watch some tv.  I will read a magazine or a book.  But always in the back of my mind there is a loop with the worries going around.  They range from current worries, things that are current and happening now, to past worries, mistakes that I made in the past, and future worries, mistakes that I will make in the future or what shape that future might have.  I find that if I am not kept sufficiently busy than I will inevitably end up back in the loop. 

 

Most of the time I can keep on top of the worries.  Eating well, exercising and having plenty to do helps.  But every now and then, like a few days last week, they get the better of me.  Every now and then I have a wee melt down.  Sometimes it’s best to have the melt down, get it all out and then get over it.  Sometimes it’s better to power through and keep forcing these worries to the back of your mind.  The trick is knowing what to do when.  As a worrier of old, I am quite good at knowing what to do and how to cope.  Last week a strategy was to tell a good friend, via text, what I was feeling and that I just needed to tell someone.  She was great and made me feel loved, wanted and most of all understood that I just needed to get it out.  All of my friends currently have a lot on their plates, so I find it hard to open up to them.  I don’t want to add one more thing to their already precarious juggling act.  I worry about them.   You see most of the time I know that time is the solution to these worries, but hey no one likes that solution.  We all know that time is a great healer, but it’s hard to have the patience to wait it out.  Then one day you wake up and realise that you have slept through the night for a week and that you are no longer worrying or hurting anymore. 

 

I have heard it said before that Virgo’s are prolific worriers and that it is just a trait that you have to learn to live with.  My one and only Virgo boyfriend (note to self, Virgo’s should not date Virgo’s, we are terrible together), sympathised with this – sadly the time in which I knew him, I was a bit of a crazy mess, there was very little sleeping going on and a lot of worrying.  As he so eloquently put it – Worrying is shit.  It’s a wasted emotion and makes you feel inadequate and awful.  He encouraged me to learn not to worry.  Of course cause every worrier likes to worry.  For a while there I got really good at not worrying.  In fact there may be some of my friends reading this now in a little bit of confusion, they would tell you that I was easy going and that not a lot fazed me.  Worriers are great actors.

Here is a snippet of my current worries to give you an idea – was I too harsh with a friend for being late, Money money money, will I be forgotten in NZ if I decide to stay here, will I stay here, did I do the right thing by sending that, am I good at my job, will I get a new job, did I make a complete fool out of myself when I got drunk a year ago, will I be able to run 5k in just over a month’s time, will the landlord put the rent up, will my fav pub be demolished, are my friends working themselves to hard and how can I help, will my nephew always remember what a fun times we used to have or will he outgrow me, will I ever have a child of my own, will I ever get married, do I keep up with friends at home enough, what can I do to encourage more people to recycle, what will I do when nearly everyone goes home this year and so on and so forth.  As you can most of it is completely useless, worrying about these things will not stop them happening, or change the past.  And you know what, next week it will be a whole new set, or it will be none at all.  It all depends on what is going on around me.

So are you a worrier?  Do you hide it well or is it well known?  What to do you do to alleviate it?  Do you believe in star signs?  Is your list of worries similar to mine, are our worries simply typical of my age/situation?  Are your worries worse in winter?  Could it just be seasonal affect disorder?  Who knows, but I am sure that I will worry over that at a later date. As Zooey Deschanel – my fav girl crush of the moment says – You gotta be kind to yourself.  This is advice that I am trying very hard to take.

There is not much going on...

It has been a quiet few weeks.  There is really not much to say – nothing exciting has been happening.  I have been cooking and going to the gym, and at the moment I am really tired.  It’s Lent again and I have been doing very well.  I am eating well, feeling great and other than a few detox spots, my skin is looking fab.

 

Lent always leads me to be healthier and to be a bit reflective.  It’s like a total detox for me, mind and body.  The weather is nicer which makes it nicer to be outside walking or running, and it’s great to be outside in the beer garden again.  Today I had a real tidy up of my garden.  Don’t get me wrong, domestic goddess in most other ways (although my cleaner can take some of that crown) I am not a gardener.  I hate it.  There are too many gross things in the ground, worms, slugs, slaters, and spiders.  And all of them have me telling myself to calm down and to breathe.  Oh and Don’t Scream.  Today the sun was shining, and it’s hard to be unhappy when you are getting some sun and listening to some great music and pulling weeds out of the ground.  I am aching from having to brace myself and pull out some of the insidious trees that have taken root. 

The thing that is surprising me so much about myself at the moment is my sudden interest in plants and greening.  I have always been environmentally conscious – I drive my flatties mad by pulling pieces that can be recycled out of the bin, but I have never really been too keen on getting out there and planting stuff.  But recently my imagination has been captured.  I am beginning to be more interested in growing food and greening.  I am interested in putting out plants that will help the ever declining bees.  I am ever so slightly in love with bees.  Which given that I hate all other insects surprised everyone including me.  I would be surprised if I ever actually have bees in my own back yard, but it is highly likely that I will be in charge of bees for work, so if I can help the wee things in any way that I can, I will.  So I guess that my lesson here is that even after nearly mumble mumble 32 years mumble mumble, I am capable of surprising myself at what I can do.

But there are a few clouds in my sky at the moment.  Things are changing around me and that always leads me to be bit nervous.  On Thursday I said goodbye to another friend who is moving back to her native Canada.  It seems like everyone around me is getting new jobs, having babies (yes another round of people having more babies!) and generally getting on with it.  I am beginning to get on with it, this year sees me travelling a lot more and early next year will see me applying for indefinite leave to remain.  But I have never been patient, my Mum will tell you that I hate waiting for anything.  I want it all and I want it yesterday. 

Tomorrow the sun is predicted to shine again!  Yay, the weather is predicted to be fine for the next week.  I am excited as I will be spending two afternoons walking around looking for areas to be greened in London.  Be it climbing up on roofs to see if they will be big enough for a garden or seeing if there are too many services in the pavement to put a garden in or not.  It’s a fun project.  And tomorrow I am off out for brunch with some good friends, who I hope will realise that the clocks go forward tonight.

So it’s been a very quiet, well behaved lent for me.  How has it been for you?  Are you still sticking to your resolution for Lent?  Did you bother with Lent?  What’s been happening?

Head, Heart or Gut

Most people find decision making difficult.  I hate it, but when I want to be I can be pretty decisive.  I will make a decision and it will be hard to sway me from that decision.  I hate it when people dither and cannot decide what they want.  Drives me insane.  And if I say I am going to do something I do it.  Like when I decided that I was going to bungy jump.  I was scared but I had said that I was going to do it, so I did.  It was so much fun.  Or when I decided to move to the UK.  Once I had decided that was it, the rollercoaster had begun, best buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Most people will make decisions one of three ways, with their head, heart or gut.  Different decisions call for different methods, but most people will have a fall back position that they tend to work from.  For me I will always trust my gut, I will have a feeling as to how things are going to work out, it’s normally right.  That is not to say that I will not sometimes ignore it.  When I ignore it, some pretty disastrous things happen – dating your flatmate anyone?  And different life stages often call for different ways of thinking about situations.

For a while there my heart ruled me.   What it wanted, I went for.  I made some terrible decisions.  I delayed travelling for a man who I thought was going to be my world.  He wasn’t.  He was a rebound relationship that should have ended after a month or so, not five years.  In some ways that worked out ok because it would have been a very different travel experience for me had I travelled five years earlier.  It lead me to decide on the spur of the moment that it was time to pack up and leave NZ indefinitely, rather than just the holiday that I had planned.  Not the worst decision that I ever made but perhaps some more thought and planning could have gone into it.

Then my head took over, my heart was not doing a great job you see.  My heart had lead me to a rather disastrous relationship that nearly saw me decide not to travel, and after it was trampled a few times it was not in any shape to be making decisions.  So my head was definitely in charge.  For the best, the head told me that I should stay in the UK no matter what, that I needed to prove to myself that I could do this and that there might never be another chance in my life to see the world as freely as what I do now.  This was a great decision, had I not stuck it out past the first six months of almost pure hell, I would not have the amazing friends that I have now, or have had the amazing experiences that I have had living away from home.  I have learned a lot about what I can handle this way.  That is not to say that it has been easy.  In those first few months, my grandmother who was in perfect health when I left NZ, became ill and passed away in the space of two weeks.  Oh how I wanted to get on a plane and fly home.   I was convinced by my parents that I should stay put, that my grandmother would not have wanted me to give up my dreams to come home for this.  They were right of course, but that didn’t stop it hurting. 

So for the last few years, I have made the conscious decision to make decisions with my head and my gut.  My gut is really good at telling me when I am not safe, when I need to get the hell out of a situation or generally reading a situation.  It has been invaluable when traveling.  So my heart has not had a say.  In fact it’s kinda been off limits, as it has a terrible track record and it tends to get hurt to easily.  Some good decisions have been made.  Fun has been had and life has been all good.   I can hardly complain.  Only, it’s been a bit lonely.   Or a little bit scary to think of a life where my heart is off limits for good.  There have been some great opportunities that I have let pass me by.  And let’s face it, I am a bit of a pushover, in my current work, one of my projects involves getting long term unemployed into work, my heart breaks for these people and I want to employ them all.  Sadly, it’s not realistic and neither is it doing my job.  I have to give myself a good talking too often.

Earlier this year, when my head was fully in charge, a number of things happened to and around me in a very short space of time.  And every single one of them made me realise that life is too short, not to let my heart have some kind of say, otherwise I will end up a crazy old lady with a heart full of regrets.  So this year, my heart has had some kind of say, with some restraints and safety nets but a say nonetheless.  So far it’s been ok, not easy, but ok.  It’s not worked out quite the way that I had hoped, but my head is there to make sure that I am not too broken when it doesn’t go my way.  My heart desperately wants to move back to NZ.  After seven long weeks of being back in London, my head thought that the homesickness would be over and done with.  But my head also tells me that the best place for me right now is in London, as do most of my friends.  So for once in my life, I am making balanced decisions, head, heart and gut are all having a say.  Is this what being a grown up is about? 

How do you make decisions?  What is your fallback?  Do you think that certain people are predisposed to certain methods?  Being a hopeless romantic I guess that I am destined to always have a certain amount of heartfelt decisions, maybe I will just have to learn to be ok with that.

Happy Birthday Cardigans and Cats

This Friday marks the 1^st Birthday of C&C and the 68^th post on this blog!  I am a little excited for this milestone.  I have wanted to be a writer for a wee while now and this has been really fun.  My top rating article was The day after the London Riots – 159 page views!  That article was written with such emotion and very few hours sleep, so I am excited that this is my top rater.  This blog is a few days early due to my hectic life, I am going to see The Muppets tomorrow night - finally and then there will be my normal Friday...

The last few months, I have found it hard to write, it’s been a struggle as I have been feeling really homesick.  And that is something that not everyone wants to read about endlessly.  I have been going over and over it in my head and I still don’t really have the answers but there has been a lot of thinking that is for sure.  So hopefully that is the end of sentimental blogs for a while.  I am trying to get back on track and write something a bit more meaningful.  I was recently told that in this lifetime that I would write a book.  So with a view to getting published, I have a favour to ask.  You are all super supportive of this blog when it is posted on Facebook and make loads of comments there.  Please can you make them on the blog, it will never get the attention that it needs without these.  Right ranting over.

Here are some highlights from the last year….

• Weddings – Royal, Family and Friends.  I recently received a thank you card from Fe and Dan, it’s gorgeous and took me right back to that gorgeous weekend in Sydney.  Much warmer than it currently is in London.
• London Riots – not a highlight but a definite event in London.  It changed the way we look at each other and made me realise how peace can really be balanced on a knife edge.  And it destroyed my fav costume shop.  Not to trivialise it all, that night spent holed up in the pub was scary.  Scary enough that my Sister spent a chunk of her work day texting me and making sure I was ok.
• Friends coming and going – we lost a lot of friends to the greener pastures of home last year.  I saw a lot of them when I was back home for Christmas, they are not forgotten though, there are some rather large holes that are not quite filled.  This year sees more holes appearing, with Caz, Alex and I in competition for the last expats standing.  I guess that is a pretty big feature of living abroad. 
• Many happy nights/days and all in between at the pub.   This is where my London family meets.  Sadly, the Castle Battersea will be closing its doors for the final time in May this year.  I know that I will be shedding a few tears when this happens.  This pub that is the centre of my London social life had some great times in the last year.  The Royal Wedding and….
• The Rugby World Cup – we freaking did it!  It was a nailbiting finish for Kiwis the world over.  I was watching it at the pub and felt like I was about to have kittens in the final minutes.  When it was finally over, I hugged, screamed and cheered.  And marvelled at the number of grown men shedding tears.  And then I went to work.  Stink.  But still I was so damn proud.
• My parents visited!  What a wonderful two weeks that was.  They saw as much of London as you can pack in to that time.  They had a great time (I think!) They got to see how I live and where I party.  They met my friends and bought me giant jaffas.  It was bliss.
• I have seen a crazy amount of live music!  Whether it be at the pub on a Friday night, or that notorious trip to the Redback or at the O2 or Brixton Academy, oh and how could you forget the Milton Keynes trip, it’s been epic.  To say I love music is an understatement.  It is the soundtrack to my life.  My ipod is my best mate sometimes and now that it’s broken I am still grieving for my music.  Silly huh.  And I am so jealous of those that can make it.  Oh how I wish I could sing.  My talent is being able to know the words to a song after listening to it twice.  And it has made me some great friends.  I spent a very cool road trip discussing music this year, I was in my element.
• More movies  and books than you can shake a stick at.   And the odd theatre visit.  It’s been a crazy year.
• That waxing blog that upset men and made women laugh.
•  Brax pushing Charlie up against a fridge and women the world over swooned.  Brax can push me up against a fridge anytime.  Anytime. 

So that is some of this crazy life that has been documented here.  And there is more to come.  There are a few more adventures planned and unplanned to happen.  There are more concerts, more friends, more books, more movies and more happy mess to come.  There will definitely be more baking, more running, more cooking, more smiles, laughing and dancing like no one is watching!  There will be more of the overuse of exclamation marks and more of these blogs.  What’s not to love?