Head, Heart or Gut

Most people find decision making difficult.  I hate it, but when I want to be I can be pretty decisive.  I will make a decision and it will be hard to sway me from that decision.  I hate it when people dither and cannot decide what they want.  Drives me insane.  And if I say I am going to do something I do it.  Like when I decided that I was going to bungy jump.  I was scared but I had said that I was going to do it, so I did.  It was so much fun.  Or when I decided to move to the UK.  Once I had decided that was it, the rollercoaster had begun, best buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Most people will make decisions one of three ways, with their head, heart or gut.  Different decisions call for different methods, but most people will have a fall back position that they tend to work from.  For me I will always trust my gut, I will have a feeling as to how things are going to work out, it’s normally right.  That is not to say that I will not sometimes ignore it.  When I ignore it, some pretty disastrous things happen – dating your flatmate anyone?  And different life stages often call for different ways of thinking about situations.

For a while there my heart ruled me.   What it wanted, I went for.  I made some terrible decisions.  I delayed travelling for a man who I thought was going to be my world.  He wasn’t.  He was a rebound relationship that should have ended after a month or so, not five years.  In some ways that worked out ok because it would have been a very different travel experience for me had I travelled five years earlier.  It lead me to decide on the spur of the moment that it was time to pack up and leave NZ indefinitely, rather than just the holiday that I had planned.  Not the worst decision that I ever made but perhaps some more thought and planning could have gone into it.

Then my head took over, my heart was not doing a great job you see.  My heart had lead me to a rather disastrous relationship that nearly saw me decide not to travel, and after it was trampled a few times it was not in any shape to be making decisions.  So my head was definitely in charge.  For the best, the head told me that I should stay in the UK no matter what, that I needed to prove to myself that I could do this and that there might never be another chance in my life to see the world as freely as what I do now.  This was a great decision, had I not stuck it out past the first six months of almost pure hell, I would not have the amazing friends that I have now, or have had the amazing experiences that I have had living away from home.  I have learned a lot about what I can handle this way.  That is not to say that it has been easy.  In those first few months, my grandmother who was in perfect health when I left NZ, became ill and passed away in the space of two weeks.  Oh how I wanted to get on a plane and fly home.   I was convinced by my parents that I should stay put, that my grandmother would not have wanted me to give up my dreams to come home for this.  They were right of course, but that didn’t stop it hurting. 

So for the last few years, I have made the conscious decision to make decisions with my head and my gut.  My gut is really good at telling me when I am not safe, when I need to get the hell out of a situation or generally reading a situation.  It has been invaluable when traveling.  So my heart has not had a say.  In fact it’s kinda been off limits, as it has a terrible track record and it tends to get hurt to easily.  Some good decisions have been made.  Fun has been had and life has been all good.   I can hardly complain.  Only, it’s been a bit lonely.   Or a little bit scary to think of a life where my heart is off limits for good.  There have been some great opportunities that I have let pass me by.  And let’s face it, I am a bit of a pushover, in my current work, one of my projects involves getting long term unemployed into work, my heart breaks for these people and I want to employ them all.  Sadly, it’s not realistic and neither is it doing my job.  I have to give myself a good talking too often.

Earlier this year, when my head was fully in charge, a number of things happened to and around me in a very short space of time.  And every single one of them made me realise that life is too short, not to let my heart have some kind of say, otherwise I will end up a crazy old lady with a heart full of regrets.  So this year, my heart has had some kind of say, with some restraints and safety nets but a say nonetheless.  So far it’s been ok, not easy, but ok.  It’s not worked out quite the way that I had hoped, but my head is there to make sure that I am not too broken when it doesn’t go my way.  My heart desperately wants to move back to NZ.  After seven long weeks of being back in London, my head thought that the homesickness would be over and done with.  But my head also tells me that the best place for me right now is in London, as do most of my friends.  So for once in my life, I am making balanced decisions, head, heart and gut are all having a say.  Is this what being a grown up is about? 

How do you make decisions?  What is your fallback?  Do you think that certain people are predisposed to certain methods?  Being a hopeless romantic I guess that I am destined to always have a certain amount of heartfelt decisions, maybe I will just have to learn to be ok with that.