So you guys have probs figured out by now, that I have another blogging gig. I feel kind of
like I have been cheating on you all.
You are still my number one, the others get my public public thoughts,
you guys get the more emotional stuff.
So what’s been happening team? Here it feels like not much, but so much all
at once – besties have returned, container malls have launched, work has been
mental and holidays have been taken.
Life is going on all around.
What I have noticed recently is a bit of a backlash in the
media around the curvy girl look. I was
tempted to call this blog – Stop calling me fat – part two. I am still hurt that the first one had to be
written, so am not impressed that this is a follow up. I have noticed on my Instagram that there are
a few movements happening – mainly out of the States - #effyourbeautystandards
(Tess Holiday is amazing!) and #plusisequal. You guys were so
awesome after my last blog, I felt the virtual hug from around the world. I am not writing this blog for sympathy or
for attention, I am trying to draw attention to those that speak before they
think and to those who are actively fighting in the curvy corner.
These are great movements and are empowering for those
involved in them. I certainly feel better
seeing that I am not the only one struggling to find nice clothes, to feel
better about myself and to keep the bulge under control. But these are all fine and good, but what of
it, if the general public are not on board.
Just to be clear here – I know that I am big girl, I am not
stupid as well as fat. I routinely
exercise, I sweat it out at least three times a week at the gym or pounding the
pavements around my house as I run, as well as one dodgeball game a week. I am always going to be a big girl, at some
point, I need to get on board with this and stop killing myself over trying to
be skinny, and accept who I am. That
will come – surely it will?! But in the
meantime, I am exercising and eating well, so really keeping myself
healthy. I feel better mentally and
physically when I do these things. So
you can imagine, how it feels when you are actively trying to better yourself,
that people point out the one sore point you have.
On a recent trip to the States, I was shocked at some of the
things that came out of people’s mouths.
One lady was trying to be nice, when she casually asked me if I was in
town for the plus size porn awards. Ummm
so I look like a porn star? I think that
is a compliment? It was as I was buying
a dress in the plus size shop Torrid – which by the way is awesome – I was
actively searching for the smallest size in the shop, as it seems that in the
States, I am too big for the mainstream, but too small for the plus size
stores. I ended up with a beautiful
dress that I felt amazing in (aka my boobs drew attention away from everything
else!), but that comment stuck with me.
Later that same day, I was in the pool (yes, that is right,
me in the pool. Many of my NZ friends
will be shocked as for a long time in my 20’s I refused to get in the water, I
now think, Fuck it, I am fat and I want to swim. I have a swimsuit that fits so why not). In this pool my friend and I made small talk
with a group of Irish lads who were in Vegas to see the UFC fight. We were there to see Mariah. They were all a bit tipsy and a bit of a
laugh. My friend and one of the guys
started talking about the children that were employed as life guards. They were all very small and beautiful. I was not bothered by that, Ceasar’s Palace
has a right to have the image that they want.
What I was bothered by was the comment that actually, if I was in
trouble, because, you know, I am fat and obviously cannot swim, that these tiny
lifeguards would have no way of saving me.
That one really hurt. The reality
was that this was a family area in a huge hotel, that was filled with people of
all shapes and sizes, some bigger than me, many smaller. Until that comment I had been feeling
comfortable cooling off in the 35 degree heat.
I was messaging my bestie, who is a pretty big fan of mine,
who is my go too when people say these things to me. He continually tells me that I am fine as I
am. The man has the patience of a
saint. He was really upset to hear that
these things had been said to me. He
knows the mental courage it takes to get me in my togs. To be fair from the other side of the world
in NZ, there was not much that he could do.
I had told him that his wifey would be smaller when he got back – he said
he just wanted a happy wifey, if she was smaller so be it. I was smaller, but I wanted more!
On our most recent holiday, we had a real heart to heart
about this. We were both tipsy on Aperol
spritz’ – fast becoming my fav drink of the summer – and whilst I cannot
remember the exact words he said, he was incredibly supportive of my feelings
about my size and my want to downsize. We
both got changed after this and hit the beach, swam in the crystal clear water
and mucked about like a pair of kids, splashing and racing each other out to
the buoys. We were giggling like kids at
the naked people and winding each other up about nude beaches. The thing is the man is the size of a match
stick, but I feel more confident and comfortable with him, than I do any other
time. He is like a protective brother,
he would not put up with it if anyone said anything to me, and will not put up
with me putting myself down. The next
day when we were on a family beach, again with people of all ages, sizes and
nakednesses, I felt so comfortable. I
walked around in my togs all day – to the bar, to the lifeguard when I got
stung by a jelly fish, to the hotel when it was time to leave. Most of the day, I had the straps on my top
down so that I could avoid tan lines and in many of our photos it looks like I
am topless. If you look at those photos,
it’s clear to see that I am relaxed and happy.
Whilst I will never be confident enough to submit a photo to
any curvy girl campaign, and I will still continue to try and downsize, right
now I am happy. I am happy that I am
relatively healthy, that my body can go for a run when I want it to, that I can
feel muscles forming from my gym going, that my legs are quite tan from the
beach and that I am appreciated for a lot more than what I look like. I still think that it is not ok for people to
say whatever they like to fat people – its fat not a bullet proof vest, shots
fired will still hurt. I think that in
its most basic form, its bullying, at its most complex its nasty. We need a bit more love in this world, and
you know who gives awesome hugs? Curvy
girls, we have amazing squishy boobs and are great snugglers.
*Disclaimer – I think that it’s ok to be whatever size you
want. This is not a rant against skinny
people – they have a right to be who they are and not be criticised as well. This rant is about people who feel that they
have a right to put others down for their size.
It’s not ok.
