When I was growing up it was a long held belief in my family that I could not keep a secret to save myself. If you wanted someone to know what you got them for their birthday, just tell me. I repeated everything that I heard and that embarrassed my parents at the craziest times.
Then I learned to be quiet. I was well aware that I often opened my mouth to change feet and it was something that I did not like about myself. It was hard work cause quite often I would not realise what I had said until the words had left my mouth. But despite it nearly killing me sometimes I have learned to keep a secret. What cracked me up was when I had learned this skill, I remember my Dad saying to someone No don’t tell Nicca cause she can’t keep a secret. I replied that no I was great at keeping secrets now and I could be trusted. He asked well what secrets are you keeping? That is the crazy thing – I can’t tell you the secrets that I keep, cause then they would not be kept. It was a hard skill to prove that I had learnt.
And then I became one of the most trustworthy people you can find. Yes I still get excited when it’s someone’s birthday and desperately want to tell them what I got them but I also don’t want to spoil the surprise. And yes I still sometimes say the wrong thing, but it’s less often now. And I apologise straight away. Normally when I am very tired, I have trouble with my words. Have you ever been so tired that you can’t event speak? I remember I used to come home from work on a Sunday afternoon and I could barely get out that I was off for a nap. I would get the words in a sentence round the wrong way. I once told someone that I would have worried about them if they had become a cockpit! What I meant to say was if they had become a pilot. I knew what I meant but it did not come out right. It’s been a while since I have said something very offensive and I tend to read my emails over a few times before I press send.
If I really want to say something right I tend to write it to people. Hence birthday and Christmas cards become an emotional affair. I often cannot find the right time to get out what I want to say to people, especially some of my urban family. Others seem to be so good at it, I often receive compliments, but when I want to tell someone how I really feel, I will write it down. I also like to receive written sentiments, I will read those things over and over again and treasure them. Even fun texts that remind me of great nights out and great friends are kept for as long as the phone lasts.
A strange thing about living overseas, is that despite the technical advances, people think that they can tell you anything and that you won’t be able to tell anyone else. Since being here I have been told about pregnancies, well before anyone else. I know babies names before they are born. I am the first to know about proposals, and I get sent pictures of wedding dresses, shoes and colour schemes. Part of me wonders if this is the way that my friends and family are trying to keep me in touch, or have they forgotten that I used to be terrible at keeping a secret because I am not there on a regular basis to remind them. It seems strange to me that distance has led people to believe that they can trust me more. I am not trying to say that I am untrustworthy, but it baffles me that people that I don’t see very often trust me with such great secrets. And for the most part I do a good job at keeping them. Or have I become their personal version of Post Secret – I love reading that website, reading other peoples anonymously posted secrets. I guess when you just have to tell someone then it is kinda cool to tell the world about something that they know nothing about.
Am I the only one that feels like they say the wrong thing often? Am I the only one that still has a poem that I received for my 16th Birthday from one of my friends? Can you keep a secret?
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