To baby or not to baby

Over the past few weeks I have been presented with a few different view-points about babies and families.  I have a craving for a solid family.  I miss being with my family a fair amount at the moment, I miss the crazy times when all of us get together and the fun feeling of being part of something pretty special.  I do get this with my London family, which is forever expanding and changing, but there is something pretty cool about people who have known you since you were born.

A few weeks ago, my London family were together on a rainy bank holiday.  I love days like that when you are inside and having a great time with a cider or two and the rain is coming down.  The music was great, the company was fun and life was pretty cool at that moment.  This time there were babies everywhere.  Babies and pregnant woman in every corner.  Normally I would be in there for cuddles and that baby smell.  But that day it was a bit much.  So I hung out with the adults and away from the kids.  And I felt just a tad sad about that.  When I was trying to describe how I was feeling to a friend, she said, that she didn’t really understand cause she has never felt the pull to have children.  But imagine standing in a room where everyone, absolutely everyone, has something that you are craving.  And you don’t have.  Be it chocolate, be it a partner, be it a baby, be it a fab figure or anything else.  And that is kinda how I felt.

This weekend I went away with some friends that I have not seen for ages.  We rented a cute grade two listed cottage in Affpuddle – there will be another blog on this soon…  But they had a very different perspective on babies.  They were not all that interested.  And it was a bit of a wake up call.  Granted that they had each other, and that was enough for them at this moment.  It was nice to see.

You see, when I saw my life, I saw it like this – me with someone wonderful, we had a house full of kids – ones that belonged to us, their friends, a house full of friends and family.  This was how I grew up, on a Sunday after church, we would head to my grandparents and spend the day with our cousins, aunts and uncles.  The adults would sit and chat and us kids would play upstairs.  I remember these times as being so much fun, even if I am still traumatised by being shut in the attic by my cousin.  I know that I am seeing these days through a child’s eyes, so it might not have been quite so rose tinted as I remember, but it did allow me to form some strong bonds with my cousins, that are still there now despite my being across the world.  (Unless you are the cousin who locked me in the attic – seriously if you come to London spend one hour with me!)  My parents are heading in this direction.  Their door is always open to family and friends.  With my sister and her family living next door, it’s a happening place.  Some of my fav times there, have been around Christmas when my Mum will be cooking up a storm and I put some music on and we will dance and sing as we work.  Various family members coming and going and joining us.

We never know what is around the corner, I could meet someone amazing tomorrow and this dream could begin.  I know that life never quite takes you where you expect, and maybe I will have to do this in unconventional ways.  Maybe it’s not meant to be, but God I hope that it is.

So here I am after an amazing weekend, sitting up in bed, listening to the rain and snuggled up in bed.  On this weekend I had one of my fav moments, it was a glorious day on Saturday, the sun shone all day and the sky was a gorgeous blue.  As twilight drew near, I felt the heat of the burn on my skin and it was nice.  Reminded me of being at home, when the air cools just lightly and the heat of the day is just there.  Reminded me of summer nights spent camping and it made me smile.  So whilst I don’t have the life that I imagined, I have a pretty cool life and maybe that just has to be enough for now.