Hindsight - it's not always 20/20

There are some things that are certain.  Winters will be cold, London will be grey, the pub will be warm and people in your group of ex pat friends come and go.  But for me I know that my parents will always be there for me.  No matter what happens they will help me out, bail me out, provide me with a roof over my head and a delicious dinner.  Also that in our own minds we are the stars in our own stories, we see things from a very skewed point of view sometimes.

Another certainty is that sometimes when my parents are around I will be reduced to acting like a teenager, despite my best efforts.  My sister and I are the same, I guess that no one pushes your buttons like your family.  So when my parents decided to come and visit me in the UK, I should have expected what would have happened.

I was excited beyond belief about seeing my parents.  It had been 18 months since we had seen each other in the flesh and I had planned out an itinerary that would show them as much as possible in the two weeks that I had them for.   When they arrived I was very tired and a bit cranky.  Excited but cranky.  I had been working crazy hours to enable me to have time off to spend with them, and their flights were redirected so they were landing at crazy a clock, and were delayed due to the ques through customs.

We headed home and they went to bed, whilst I baked for a friend’s birthday at the pub.  We had a great night, drinking and dancing, laughing with my friends.  They went home a bit earlier, unable to stay up as late as me due to the jetlag.   We had a great time whilst they were here, but the way that I remembered it for a wee while is that our time was coloured by my bad behaviour. 

 

I remember especially being frustrated on the tube with my parents.  To my great shame at one point I pushed my mother off a tube.  When I eventually was able to tell one of my friends this, she cracked up and said that we all have had to do this at one time or other, that our parents no matter how old or young they were, are unable to cope with the tube and that they think that it will be like NZ where they can take their time.  I eventually bought this up with my mother, she just laughed and said that it was for her own good and that she had not given it a second thought.

I was further surprised when my Mum mentioned to me she and Dad both thought that I had been so good to them when they were here.  When I said to her that I felt bad, as I thought that due to my bad behaviour that their trip had been ruined, she again said that she didn’t realise that I felt that way and that they did not feel that way at all.  I now feel better about this trip, not guilty at all.  So I guess that is when I realised that the world did not revolve around me.  (that was sarcastic!)  And also realised that my perception of my moods was not always accurate either. 

This was further highlighted to me, when a friend that I had written a letter too, told me that when she first read it, that she was so pleased to hear from me.  Then she said that she read the letter again and was very upset as I sounded like I was very unhappy.  Which is not true, so maybe I wrote the letter on a bad day.  I was in a hurry to get it in the post but still did not think it was that bad.  Maybe she noticed chinks in the happiness that I did not.

What I am trying to say in a very roundabout way is this – things always look different in hindsight, and that they are never as bad as you imagine.  So stop dwelling on the past, remember the happy times and plan for a happy future.  That is my lesson for today anyway.

City Chick, Country Chick

So I am back in London.  It’s chilly, grey and today it’s raining.  And to top it off TfL have stuffed up right royally this morning, Northern Line is down and the buses are packed.  So I am at home waiting for madness to die down before trying again to head into work.

But all of this has me thinking.  Am I a city chick or a country chick?  The thing about London is that it’s a wonderful city to live in.  I love London and the fast pace that it sets.  But then I love getting out of London every now and then and breathing a little deeper with fresh air in my lungs.  I am always amazed at how different I look in the country as well.  With the sun out, I am less likely to put on makeup, I take off most of jewellery, and sometimes don't even wear a watch.  To return to the city this time, almost immediately, I felt the urge to paint my nails, apply makeup and to be my city self again. 

I used to find the same thing when I lived in Auckland.  The weeks leading up to Christmas I would be pulling my hair out and cursing humanity and those who had waited six months since their accidents to demand getting their cars fixed before they went away on holiday.  Insurance was fun in those days.  I would be pining for the beach and Magical Mangawhai was within reach.  And for the next week or so I would sit out in the sun with a book, walk the beach daily, maybe even swim and eat delicious food.  I would always be sad to leave to head back to Auckland when the holiday was over.

But then I love the convenience of living in a big city.  Everything is within reach.  I love that I can get to the shops in ten minutes and that if I am ever in trouble there is a taxi on every corner.  I love that in London I can see a movie at the drop of a hat and that there are plenty of restaurants to choose from.

The week before I left in NZ I visited my friend who since I left has moved to a farm.  I love a good roadie so I was happy to jump in the car and head down to see her and her lovely family.  When I got there it was sunny and we were able to sit outside and catch up.  The kids adore living in the country, they have a small motorbike that they ride, they feed chickens, they see the cows being milked and they play in the sun all day.  It was kinda nice sitting there, having eaten baking, and a pizza with eggs from the family chickens on it.  Rhi is very, very happy with her life on the farm.  Her husband has taken to it like a duck to water.

So now that I am back in London, with a head full of homesickness, wondering where I will go next, I am thinking, do I think about moving to the country.  Should I find a job in a country town, where I can always breathe, where I will never have to feel the need to escape?  Or is this just a dream?  Is it only my perception from the other side of the fence?  Should I save up to have a place to escape too, my own little bolt hole?

Are you a country chick or a city chick?  Or are you like me, a bit of both?  Do you have somewhere to escape to when it all gets a bit much?

Forever Friends

I am one lucky girl.  I have a wonderful bunch of friends the world over, whom I miss on a regular basis.  But when we see each other, within five minutes, it’s as though no time has passed at all.  We are laughing and have picked up where we left off.

It’s a strange feeling this, it’s like the last two years have been a dream.  It leads to a sense of timelessness.  Yes, there are babies that have arrived without me seeing the bumps.  Yes, there is everyday gossip to work through but in general it’s easy to slot back in.

I went to a friend’s wedding in Sydney on the weekend.  Fe and I met on a bus trip through Europe and from day one, we were inseparable.  In fact it has been commented on that from our photos, you would think that we were travelling on our own!  We discovered that our birthdays were a day apart and that we were both moving to London without knowing a soul there.  It was natural for us to get a place together.  Fe’s boyfriend Dan came to visit us for a few weeks and we had a ball together.  Fe and I got through the first hell six months in London with pretty much only each other.  There were tears, laughs and loads of crazy times in our wee flat with no tele.  After Dan left Fe was heartbroken, and I encouraged her to go back home to him.  That’s not to say that I didn’t miss her like a limb or ball like a baby when she left.

At Fe’s wedding, I was both surprised and delighted to be mentioned in her wedding speech.  I was accepted as a member of her family, just as she has been in mine (she and Dan have visited NZ and stayed with my family). And on this occasion I made another friend who I can see is a keeper, she is already willing me to move to Aussie.

Saying goodbye to Fe was hard.  Saying goodbye to my road trip friends was difficult.  How on earth am I going to be able to say goodbye to my family and friends this time?  I am beginning to feel homesick for NZ, even though I am still here.  Now I am more confused than ever about where I want to live – NZ, Aussie or London?

Don’t worry London peeps, I have not forgotten about you.  I think about you loads and am looking forward to being back in your fold soon.  But as most of you are expats I am sure that you can relate to what I am feeling.

The last time I was at home I was not in a good way.  I was ill with endo and not in a happy place with men.  This time is different.  I am the happiest I have been in years and apparently it shows.  My oldest (not in years) friend said it took her a while to figure out what was different about me.  She finally realised it was that I was happy.  What a nice thing to hear.

I maintain that this is down to my amazing support network the world over.  No matter where I am in the world there is someone there, or if there is not they are at the end of the phone or computer and they are all on my side, pulling for me to be happy and to do the best I can.  I wish that you could all meet each other one day, I am sure that you would have a great time and love each other as much as I love you all!

Happy 2012

Hi!  It’s been a while since I have had two spare mins to type my own name since arriving in NZ.  I am on the home stretch now, two weeks left of warmth, family and friends before heading back to the freezing temperatures of London.

Home has been exciting - my sis’ wedding, Christmas, New Year’s, a roadie, another wedding this time in Sydney and now back to Auckland to spend time with friends and family.

I have had a great time being with my friends who have known me forever.  One night before Christmas the three of us were laughing like teenagers, causing a husband to say ‘Look at the state of you lot!’  It was like we had never been apart.  It’s been amazing meeting the kids as well.  They are so cute and have really begun to grow up and have personalities. 

I always find New Year an odd time.  There is a huge pressure for an amazing night, which if I am honest never really happens.  I have a good time, but throughout the year I have amazing nights that are normally better than New Year.  I also find it a time for reflection, goal setting and wondering what the future holds for me.  This New Year had the added interesting addition of a tropical cyclone thrown in.  Nothing like tenting in the pouring rain.

I woke up on New Years Eve at about 2am to see that my tent was still standing in a thunder storm with torrential rain.  And then could not get back to sleep.  I had to get up at 6am to pick up some friends from the airport in Auckland and then head back up to the beach where we were going to welcome the New Year in with a cocktail party.  So I was a tad jaded and tired when I accepted my first cocktail – a vodka, champagne concoction.  And then the fun began, there was really no time for reflection amongst the laughing, the dancing in the rain like hippies and the singing along to a friend on the guitar.  However, it was during a rendition of ‘You better be home soon’, that I began to wonder when I would be home again.  I have been encouraged by my friends to come home sooner rather than later.  For the first time in a long time someone has put that into words and it made me sad.

 

But not for long.  We had an awesome night and I fell into bed and passed out.  The next day the roadie of Northland began and we had a ball.  I laughed pretty much constantly for three days straight.  I got to drive again, which is way more tiring than I remember, and also see some places that I had never been to before.  I was disappointed to see how commercial Paihia has become.  I remember being there in my early 20’s, but I guess things move on.  So we headed further north to KeriKeri and camped there.  It was cool to show off my country to both a Kiwi who had never been that far north and a Brit who had never been to NZ.

 

It was sad to say goodbye to them when they headed further South and I headed out to Sydney.  One of the hardest things about travelling is the amount of goodbyes that you have to say.  You form bonds very quickly through shared experiences, but often they are only for short times.  I hate the fact that when you say goodbye you never know when you are going to see someone again.  It is the one thing about travelling that I absolutely hate.  And everyone knows how I cope with goodbye.  I was very good and waited till I was driving away before having a good old meltdown.  Luckily, I was not far from one of my fav beaches.

Piha is a great place to have a think and a recharge.  And whilst I still don’t have the answers to the questions that this New Year has bought me, I am a step closer I think.  I love being out there and when I got there, it was teeming with people and the sun was shining, who can’t be happy with that?

So what did you do for New Year?  Did you make resolutions? Do you find it a reflective time or a party time?  Are you as bad as me at goodbye?

The Sing a Long Season

I am pretty busy this week, since I will be flying out to go home in three sleeps.  So there is not really time for a blog.  Instead, here is a run down of some songs that are helping me get through the silly season, work and packing...

This is a version of a song that we often play once the pub has closed, we all get a bit nuts to it - click here to hear a not great but will do version of it...

Anything by The Wombats.  I love them, they have me singing along at the top of my lungs, if I am not on the tube.  My fav is Lets Dance to Joy Division,  click here and turn it up loud! but recently Tokyo (Vampires and Warewolves) has me thinking.  Mainly because he speaks about wearing a suitcase under each eye, which I am currently sporting myself.
Click here to see their lyrical genius

I recently have discovered She and Him.  I love Zooey Deschanel and she is one half of the duo, the She if you will.  Click here to hear some indie gorgeousness
And now joy of joys they have put out a Christmas album.  I love Christmas music, and this cute take on Baby its Cold Outside has me swooning.  Click here to be Christmased.

Because I am loving my chiropractor right now, and she happens to be a pretty cool chick, I love this quirky song that she has put out.... Click here for ginger loving.

Because I am off to a wedding where there will be lots of awwww romantic moments, this song comes to mind, click here to give yourself tingles.

Because I will be seeing my family soon this one comes to mind.  Click here to hear about my family.

And last but very not least, this song is playing in my head as its becoming time for me to go home to homestead....  I better be home soon so click here.

So that is a small insight to what I am getting down to right now.  I will be home sooner than I can blink and I am sure that there will be more singalongs with friends and family that will have me listening to some new music as well.

See you soon xoxo

Dear Man on the Tube

It was over a year ago now.  I had worked late at a recruitment party for The Sting as a colleague had been off with his sick wife.  I was feeling pretty good, I had gotten a few people jobs and the atmosphere in the club had been fun.  So I was a bit smiley and feeling a bit bold.

As I walked down the Victoria Line platform at Oxford circus – ready to be at the right end to get off at Victoria, I saw you.  I thought huh, he is pretty all right.  Then you proceeded to take off your jumper as it was hot in the Underground.  As you did so, your shirt came up and I caught an eyeful at what you had underneath and it was good.  As your head came out of the jumper, you caught my eye, but I kept walking. 

I stood next to the wall and proceeded with my Underground ritual, headphones in, and book out.  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see you watching me.

The tube arrived and I got into one carriage, and assumed from where you were standing that you had gotten into another.  As we pulled away from the platform, I looked up and there you were in my carriage staring at me.  I am not used to being stared at so didn’t really know what to do, so continued being a bit haughty.

The train stopped at Green Park, and you got off, and as you walked past the still stationary train, you looked in the window at me, and were rewarded with a half-smile.  You saw this and smiled back, and headed back towards the doors.  Then they closed.  You threw your hand up in despair and I waved at you as the train speed off.

This whole encounter lasted no more than 8 minutes.  But those 8 minutes cause me to think of you often at Oxford Circus late at night.  The thing is, I am not used to causing that reaction in people, so I didn’t know what to do.  I wish that I had the courage to get off the train, or to pull the emergency stop.  Something tells me that you would have liked that.  I do look for you every now and then, but am not sure that I would know you again.

I told my Mum this story and she said it was the saddest thing she had ever heard.  My best friend called it a James Blunt moment.  A colleague told me that you would have been perfect, not a shit like the rest of the men in my life at the time.  Another lamented the end of the London Lite where people who had encounters like ours wrote in to get in touch.  But I just smile and remember the day that a complete stranger made me feel beautiful, magnetic, and attractive.  Without saying one word.

I hope that life has been good to you, Man on the tube. I hope that you have a lovely lady in your life and that you make her feel these things on a daily basis.  And who knows, maybe one day, you and I will meet. 

Yours sincerely

Nicola

It was the worst of times, it was the best of times

Over the last week, I have seen examples of the best and worst that the human race has to offer.  It’s Christmas time officially now.  And normally I am excited beyond belief, am eagerly awaiting snow, and putting my Christmas tree up on the 1^st of December whilst playing Christmas music.  But with my time in England running out for this year, I am not really in a Christmasy mood.  And there have been some not nice things happen.

I am very much looking forward to stepping on a plane and heading back to NZ my motherland, to see my friends and family, who for the most part, I have not seen for two years.  I feel more homesick in the last week than I have in ages, I guess it’s because I am organising to spend time with my friends, who know me backwards and forwards, that the old familiar dull ache has resurfaced for them.  I am beyond excited to feel the sun on my skin, to have the warmth in my bones and to spend time at the beach.  And to add to the excitement there are a couple of weddings, Christmas and New Year’s added to it.

So for that reason, I am not putting up our flat Christmas tree this year, no one else really seems to care and I won’t be here to take it down either.  And I have run out of time to do my normal turkey day as well.  Which is a shame, but it’s a lot of work, and I will be having some even older traditions in NZ.  My friends and I each year, have what I like to call Christmas Crazy day.  This involves everyone getting together on the last day of work and getting ripsnorting drunk.  And letting your hair down.  I worked in a claims department for an insurance company, so in the week leading up to Christmas, all hell broke loose.  People wanted their cars fixed before they went on holiday, despite the fact that the accident happened 6 months ago and we had been trying to close the claim since then, it was our fault that the panelbeaters were busy.  Or they wanted their claims cashed then and there and when could the cheque be in their hands.  It’s Christmas Eve lady, it will be with you after Christmas.  It would drive a saint to drink, and we have already established that I am not one, so on Christmas Crazy day, I would gladly accept a glass of wine and settle in for a night of great chat with my friends.  Anyone looking in on us would think us slightly unhinged, there have been food fights, people falling off chairs, I vaguely remember a streak, but that could have been another occasion…  This year, it might be a bit more tame as this time there are kids present, but nonetheless I am looking forward to it.

It’s things like this that I am focussing on, when I hear about my good friend being mugged outside her front door, or my backpack being stolen from a busy bar.  I guess that thieves get desperate at Christmas, just like the rest of us, but the difference being that I have worked 6 days a week for the last two years to get what I have, and they just stole it from me in a matter of minutes.  The bag thank goodness did not have anything of great value in it, my sis was worried about my passport, but it had a set of worn that day work clothes, work notes that were valuable to no one but me, and £100 of purchased in the last half hour lingerie.  I had just used up the last of my discount at Bravissimo.  I am really annoyed that this happened to me.  But in contrast with my friend being knocked to the ground and having her handbag stolen, it pales.  The police have been great, they called me back today and told me that they are going to check the CCTV in the bar where we were, considering that I have heard of more stabbings recently, that is jolly good of them.  My friends at Bravissimo are also angels, with three of them offering to share their discounts with me so that I can replace what was stolen.  Which brought a few tears to my eyes.  I don’t want to seem like I don’t care, but I just don’t have the energy to waste worrying about it right now.  The energy is better spent on getting the items replaced, organising Christmas pressies and getting home in one piece.

Friday night saw me saying goodbye to a good friend.  Yep, another one heading home and another sad goodbye for me.  This goodbye was made a bit better by meeting Leo for the first time.  He is very cute wee man who was 12 days old.  And I got a cuddle.  Oh he was cute.  Made my ovaries ache and think of what could be one day.  He and my good friends, made the presence of an ex boyf who should have known better bearable.  The less said about that incident the better. 

 

So today, on my first Sunday off in a very long time, I woke up, watched some tele, spoke to the police and got a few emails off.  I am relaxed and getting through my chores.  I am feeling positive and putting it out there that life is good, and hoping that it comes back my way.  And will be walking to the cinema later.  So life is good people.  Bad stuff happens to good people, but just remember, karma will sort it out.  We might not see it, but that is kinda what faith is!