My adventures on Tinder

Two weeks ago, at yet another farewell dinner, a young British girl told me about a new dating app called Tinder. She had been on a few dates with different people and it was working well for her. It was different to before, there was no risk, you can only message those that you know like you, as to connect with people you both have to say that you like each other. The cringe factor is gone. What's not to like?

So I downloaded the app straight away. It works through Facebook with your photos from there, but does not post on your behalf. Within 10mins I had 6 matches. Because I am old fashioned, shy and nervous, I waited for the men to message me. The first message read 'Fancy a fuck' ummm nope, that is not even a good come on. So I blocked that douche.

A week later, another man began to message me. I was out shopping for my organic bits and pieces and it started out innocently enough. 'How are you? What you up to?' And then 'So would you be interested in making my sexual fantasies come true? In exchange, I would be willing to make yours come true as well'. Hmmm ok so exactly what did you have in mind – apparently a threesome with two woman and I would have to find the other woman. Umm, again, no thanks.

Up to bat, man number three. I will be honest and say that he was not one of my favourite choices, but we bantered for about an hour and he seemed really nice. But never be too trusting. The question was innocent enough, 'Why are you on tinder and what are you looking for?' My answer was that I was looking for a bit of conversation and banter and seeing where that led. He laughed and said, you will never find that on here, its more of a casual sex app, and you are way to nice to be on this app. And I appreciated his honesty. And we agreed that we would perhaps meet up for a drink when I am back from holiday.

The reality is that I am unlikely to meet him. I am deleting my profile from Tinder, it was a nice holiday, but not somewhere that I want to stay for long. The reality is that I am far to socially awkward and have too many self confidence issues to make a habit out of casual sex. I need way more than that to fall into bed with someone.  Whilst I am not a prude, if I was to consider any of the number of things that were suggested to me, I would prefer that to be with someone I know and trust.  Not a complete stranger, after one drink in a bar. What worries me, if this is the way forward, how on earth am I going to meet someone? According to this article, Tinder could be our new reality.

So that was my experience with Tinder. Not one that I am likely to repeat, or can honestly say that I enjoyed. Call me old fashioned, but I need a bit of wooing, a bit of banter, and for someone to appreciate me for my mind as well as my body. And I truly doubt that I am going to meet my husband or baby daddy on this website. Onwards and Upwards I say.

Ranting for the good of the world

Its been a strange week of personal bests at bootcamp and too many cocktails. We have had a new temporary flatmate move in, I have met a friends baby and wondered how on earth my nephew has just turned 9? Where on earth have that 9 years gone? I finally have a few quiet moments to write as I have a lemon drizzle cake in the oven, before I put on the ritz and head out to a posh tea party, before heading to Ipsden tomorrow to see some good friends for a birthday. I am really looking forward to Greece, where I will lie on a beach in the sun, leaving this torrential London rain behind.

There are a few things that have caught my attention this week so here goes...

The first gay marriages have occurred in my homeland NZ. Surprisingly, this did not coincide with the world ending, the sun did rise. But also there was not a surge of straight Christians filing for divorce, as they felt that their marriage had been devalued now that we were all equal. There is a saying that my fav radio DJ's have coined, which I feel very appropriate – Worry about your own dick – I agree that it should be made into a fridge magnet. One of my British friends laughed for a long time when I said that to him, he thought it was a very pragmatic kiwi way of looking at things. I just think when our children look back at this time and we have to explain to them why people were so outraged about gay people, and we stumble as to why this happened in the first place, those who took to the streets to march against gay rights are going to look rather foolish, similar to how we now look at those who discriminated against black people in South Africa and the United States. I am pleased that now my numerous gay friends are a step closer to being equal and I can attend a number of fabulous gay weddings.

Whilst we are on the equality rant, why is it that as the rights of one group rise, the rights of another are slowly being rescinded. It is a worrying time to be a woman in the world. Very slowly the fights that were fought decades ago, are having to be re won. Rights should not be something that you have to renew every ten years and hope that the patriarchs allow you to keep them. This week we have had UKIP treasurer, Stuart Wheeler, state that woman are unsuited to be on the boards of companies as they are not skilled in chess or bridge, so are therefore unsuited to business. What the fuck? Whilst its easy to dismiss these comments as the ramblings of an old bigoted white man whose party are well know for their intolerance, it is not as if he is alone in these thoughts. Its was only a few years ago that woman in NZ were aghast when Alasdair Thompson, Trade Union rep said on national television that he thought that woman were unsuited to the workforce as they took more leave than men, due to their periods and having babies. When he was asked to back up his claims with actual figures he could not. Great so someone who is leading a trade union is as biased as the people he is supposed to be fighting against.

I have noticed in the last few months, that a number of my favourite television programmes seem to be buying into the stereotype, that woman cannot have it all the way that men can. It pains me to say that Suits – one of the best drama/comedies on UK television is victim to this. The main women characters in this New York city based legal drama, are either a cut throat or weak, no inbetween. We have Jessica – the head of the firm who does not seem to have a personal life at all, is just there trying to keep the men in line and has made a point of stepping over other woman to get to her position of power, we have Rachel, who at the end of season two was left having to chose between her career and the man she loves, and we have Donna, the secretary who is apparently secretly in love with her boss, and again does not seem to have a life outside the career that she has devoted her life and ovaries too. This slick drama that has amazing plot lines, great costuming and wonderful one liners, could be a great vehicle to show that woman can cut it with men, that they are more than just decoration for the office and that we actually have brains in our heads. I have high hopes that season three will portray all of these and provide woman with amazing role models.

Thomas Jefferson once said 'Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty'. In a month where we have seen Russia legislate against being gay, where its athletes have reinforced their stance by saying that in Russia, people are normal, woman and men date each other and that is it, where we have seen great debate over which woman should be on the £10 note, as it was decided it was time to update the notes and there was a real danger that we would not have seen a woman on there at all, it seems that we all need to be more vigilant than ever. Whilst I am not necessarily in agreement that Jane Austin was the best choice for the £10 note, I was appalled that we were facing the possibility that there would not be a single female face other than the Queen on the currency at all. Britain is full of woman who have helped make this country great – even if was a picture of the women who helped in the war effort it would have been better than yet another old, white man on the currency.

The thing is that normally I don't have a good rant like this, but I believe that its about time that people stood up for what they believed in. I recently saw an interview with the band Fun, who I quite simply adore, they seem like nice decent human beings, as well as having catchy songs and being brilliant performers. They said that this is decade when people who are not affected by prejudice, will have to make a point of standing up for those who are. They have actively campaigned for gay rights the world over. I recently saw a post on facebook where they were rejoicing the failure of the Defence of Marriage Act in the USA. A number of people commented that it was not for rock stars to make political statements and that they would now be deleting their songs from their devices. I am proud of them for using their power for good – unlike other 'stars' who use their twitter accounts to promote the latest fashion or product, and charge ridiculous sums of money for doing so. As far as I am aware Fun campaign for free. I would rather live in a world where I knew that my daughters (should they ever arrive!) were going to be paid the same as their male counterparts, that they could travel the world without fear of sexual abuse, and that if they wanted to love another woman, that they would not be persecuted for it.  And that my sons, will be taught that women are equal to them and deserve the same respect as men, that if they want to love another man that they have the right to do so, and if they want to enter a 'caring' profession that they will not be discriminated against for their choices. This is the world that I want to pass on.

Right rant over, back to the kitchen, where I chose to be, after a really busy week where I worked as hard and was paid the same as the men in my office. I am one of the lucky ones in so many ways. Hopefully, where ever you are in the world, you are also as lucky.

Weddings and Babies - when will the hurting stop?

So its been years since I have eaten the skin off chicken and I had some yesterday. It smelled amazing when it was cooking, but I didn't rate it when I ate it. It was BBQ flavour. That has nothing at all to do with what I want to talk about, but thought that it was interesting that after years of eating skinless boneless chicken that I can no longer appreciate how delicious it is...

What I wanted to talk about today, was how you see yourself in others, especially if they are going through similar things to you, about the same time that you went through them in your life and how it blows my mind at just how similar we can all be.

Its Summer here in the UK and for a change it has been a corker. I am more tan now than I was the last time I came back from NZ. My body is drinking in the vitamin D and loving it. Of course it helps that there is no ozone hole here. I have vowed never to complain about the heat as there is never enough of it in this country and I stand by that. Even when its been 30 degrees at midnight and I am sweltering in my bed, I know that soon enough I will be shivering in my coat and dreaming of a Summer get away.

Summer brings the wedding season. Whilst I love a good wedding, in my last blog, I discussed my issues with weddings. Couples love weddings, if they are already married, they like to relive their wedding and get very cuddly and touchy feely. If they are not married, they recognise the love in the happy couple, reflected in their own, and get all cuddly and touchy feely. I can honestly say, that I have never been to a wedding with a partner, that has had that effect, which says more about the choice of partner than the wedding. Which is why going to a wedding as a single person is a nightmare fraught with emotions. The feeling of being excluded from all of the love, the expense – with no one to split the gift costs, travel costs or even accommodation costs, it can get really pricey, and then there is the fun of being sat at the singles table.

In my last blog I expressed my surprise at not feeling upset at the last wedding I went to. There are a few reasons for this, if I wanted to, I was allowed to bring a friend. I opted not to as I know how expensive weddings are to put on, and also I was happy enough to go on my own, as having met a number of the girls at the hens weekend, I was comfortable with them. I was also super excited for Nic & Gareth, I love them to bits. There was a bit of travel and excitement either side as well and well, I was just to busy to feel upset.

I am lucky that this year, I only had one wedding to attend. However, one of the boys, has not been so lucky. He was sighing the other day and when I pressed him a bit, he said that he was getting sick of attending weddings on his own and that he was also sick of seeing all of his friends getting married, having kids and generally moving on with their lives, when he did not even have a girlfriend. Wow, was he preaching to the choir. I resisted the urge to hand him a punnet of icecream and sit him down to watch The Notebook with me.

It was a surprise to me that men felt that way too. I guess I have always felt, that to a certain degree that man hold the balance of power when it comes to dating and romance. Having seen way to many chick flicks and read way to many books and been on the dating scene myself for sometime, I have certainly felt this way. I know that despite just about every person I know has tried to discourage me from feeling this way, and has encouraged me to ask men for their numbers, I am cautious. One of the biggest barriers to me doing this, is that when woman reach a certain age or stage in their lives, that men seem to think that they reek of desperation and that they are just after marriage and babies and are crazy enough to make them uncomfortable in their pursuit for it. I have listened to many a conversation in a pub where men retell their close escapes from these crazy woman. I have no desire to be the topic of this conversation. I have dignity and pride, and whilst I want marriage and babies, I am not desperate for it. I want it with the right person and the reality is that I have not met that person yet. I am happy with the life that I currently lead, I would just like someone to share it with and if that leads to marriage and babies in due course, than great.

So when I heard from this boy that he was feeling bereft of girl company, I was surprised. He is good looking, has a good job and in my mind, could ask out any one he wanted. And yet he was telling me how it was. I guess that the lesson there for me is that men are just as nuts as woman and that we all just need to ask for what we want a lot more. As a side note he has told me that I should be bolder and definitely ask more men out. Hmmm will bear that one in mind.

Whilst it may not be weddings for me at the moment, its freaking babies. Sorry lovely, snuggly, snuffly, squishy babies. Its no secret that I would love to be a Mum and when I am, that baby will be the apple of my eye. So its getting to me, that 99% of my friends are either with child, have a newborn or even one of them got really greedy and had twins. If I hear of one more couple having a baby I may just scream. Please do not get me wrong. I am very happy for those with the babies, they all are amazing parents, its just that I am so freaking jealous. Watching One born every minute and Offspring does not help.

Two people very close to me are currently pregnant. My sister is due on the 20^th of December. I am really struggling with not being there the way that I was for Sam. Sam and I have a close relationship today, due to the work that I put into building that when he was an itty bitty. He used to cry when I left, I would often not realise that he was at my parents and hear him crawling as fast as he could to come find where I was when he had heard my voice. The sad thing is that this baby will not know me that way and I am worried that I will never be as close to them.

The other person is my amazing friend Fe, who is due on my birthday. Which I am stoked about as its the day after her birthday. Fe and I may not speak very often, but when we do its awesome. Fe lives in Aussie, so she will be on the baby visiting tour that I will be undertaking next year. This tour will be at an undecided time, as currently my job is ending in March, so it could be March, or I could have a new job and need to put in some hard yards before I can take off for the 6 weeks that I will need to be home for.

Again the reality is that I have no one that I want a baby with right now, and it would be a major change from the student life that I currently lead, but a change that I would happily make. Apparently there has been a noticeable upsurge in woman in their 30's visiting fertility clinics and going it alone, with donor spunk to have babies. I can understand this. We are in an age where we are constantly reminded that we should live our lives and not have any regrets. The last thing that I want is to be 60, and thinking, I wish that I had a baby and a family. I really hope that it does not come to donor for me, but maybe this is just the reality for this generation. It will be interesting to see if this becomes a trend in the future and what impact this will have on society.

Anyway, that is probably enough of my wittering for this blog post. I have learned a lot about people this week and probably a bit about myself as well. And of course been so freaking busy, with my fab job, going to bootcamp and seeing my friends. Hopefully I can spend more time talking to you all, I was planning a quiet August after all. Its yet to pan out, but I am hopeful that it will soon. Ka Kite for now xx

Its been a while - want to hear about my holiday?

Hi! How have you all been? Whatcha been up too? Any exciting news to share?

I have been living a montage lately, which largely seems to defeat the point, but have a few days off in London to spend with my brother who is visiting. He is still sleeping, so I am taking the time to write a much needed blog.

Last week I headed up to Scotland for a wedding in Drumtochty Castle which is about an hour and a half outside of Aberdeen. I normally have a few mixed feelings about weddings, I am so genuinely happy for the couple, but there is an element of, I wish it was my turn. I remember my sister saying to me, that there were a few people that she was pleased to beat down the aisle, but that I was not one of them. Which is comforting. But last week, there was none of that. I guess that I was too busy in the run up to have a chance to even really think of it.

As I was uncharacteristically packing the night before, and then at midnight it occurred to me to find out what time train I would have to get to the airport and discovering that there was only enough time for two and a half hours sleep, I was excited to be heading away on a holiday. I thought to myself, life has to change, you need to slow down. When you see the bride on the day before her wedding and she says with sympathy that you seem to have been manic, you realise that its gotten out of hand. I was hardly organising a wedding far from home, I have just been working like a madwoman.

Nic & Gareth are great friends of mine, I helped them move to Reading, about an hour outside of London about 6 weeks before their wedding. We don't get to see each other often as their lives are as manic as mine. Finding time when all three of us are not working or away is an exercise in military precision. But when we do find that time, we have a ball. There are always loads of laughs and lots of drinking. They are some of the most easy going, drama free people I know. As an example, on their wedding day both of them took the time individually to tell me how lovely I looked. What sweeties. So I was more than delighted to be invited to their wedding. I think that it is a testament to them that despite having their wedding on a Wednesday, far from where most people live, that they had such a large number of loved ones around.

The wedding was fabulous – I was lucky enough to have my hair and makeup done with the bridal party, which was great as I can be quite rubbish at that and I have loads of hair. It was nice to see Nic so chilled out and relaxed on her wedding day. The day was not as hot as it has been, the weather was slightly overcast – perfect for photos, and everything went off without a hitch. The chapel where they got married was just lovely, it was on the grounds of the Castle. As we were waiting for Nic to arrive, the Vicar gave a talk about the history of the chapel and described it as a thin place, where what we know and what we don't know are very close. I loved that description and it was typically Scottish.

Nic, Nic & Gareth

When Nic arrived she looked amazing, she had a proper princess dress. Gareth looked amazing in his kilt, in fact a large number of men were wearing kilts. The wedding was lovely, with a song written and performed by Nic's brother that had us all giggling as the chorus was 'My sister has been given away to Deano'...

At the reception we partied the night away – the illusion with Scotland is that it does not get dark to really late and then dawn breaks at 3am – so as we were coming home the dawn broke. I loved the personal touches – like the bottles of whiskey and gin that were personalised for the bride & groom, like the table names – I was on a Castle table, reminiscent of our pub. A fab night was had by all, it was perfect.

Me and the huge ice cream

The next day was a bit slow. I was woken up at about 9.30am for breakfast in my fabulous B&B for salmon and scrambled eggs. I headed out to Stonehaven to have a look around. Its a beautiful seaside town about an hour from Aberdeen. I happened to meet up with some of the girls from the wedding and we had a walk around and some delicious lunch at a great fish and chip shop. As we were sitting there, struggling through our fish and chips, we began to notice the icecream shop right next door. There was a constant queue out the door and kids were coming out with icecreams bigger than them. So we decided to queue up and try for ourselves. It was worth the wait and the pigeon pooing on me for the delicious icecream, which came with marshmallows and chocolates on the top. Just what you need for a hangover.

Dunnottar Castle

I headed out to Dunnottar Castle, which is a ruin on a cliff top. There is actually still a lot in tact there. But the walk down had me thinking twice in my tired and hungover state. I decided to guts it up and do it, who knows when I would be back. The castle has in the past been visited by William Wallace and famously saved the Scottish Crown Jewels from being destroyed. It was very atmospheric and had stunning views out to see. On a good day apparently you can see whales or sharks off the coast. I was hoping to see a few whales but nothing on that day. It was a stunning day out in the sun, but I was glad to drive back to Edzell for a night of tele watching and chilling out, going to bed early to recover before a big drive the next day.

So there are the first few days of my holiday, I promise to write about the rest of them soon, in my new resolve to not fill every minute and to relax a bit more. There are probably bets being taken the world over to see how long that lasts. And rightly so, I have a reputation for burning the candle at both ends and being surprised when it burns out. So lets hope that I can make it to my next holiday in Greece!

I'm Missing You...

Wow!  What a month it’s been.  I have wanted to write a number of times, about a number of exciting things that have been happening, but to be honest I have barely had time to sleep, let alone anything else.  There are so many things that I want to tell you all and I am sure that this weekend, when I have a very quiet, sleep filled weekend that they will all come out but for now I want to talk about my pub. 

As you all know, I have been embroiled in a two years plus, saga of trying to save a chunk of bricks and mortar that mean one hell of a lot to me.  This pub is where I found a rapidly disintegrating family.  Why is it disintegrating?  Because we don’t have a hub anymore.  We are trying our best to keep up but it’s proving harder than we all thought.  Especially for me.  I have been very busy with work over the last month, which has seen me working crazy hours, attending a number of out of work time public meetings, all of which has severely impacted on my social life.  In days gone by, it would be fine.  I would show up at the pub every Friday night, tired after a hard week, to a guaranteed friendly welcome and a good time.  I would walk in the door and someone would be asking me if I wanted a single or a double vodka, or a cider and black.  Even if it was just a few drinks and a sing a long, I would see a number of my friends and catch up.  Now without this regular Friday interaction, I am finding it challenging to see them.  Not because I don’t want to, not at all, but because life has begun to move on and we are 

scattered.

So on Wednesday after a long day, I bullied myself into heading to military fitness.  To say I didn’t want to do it was an understatement.  I was hiding in the park until the last minute, so that if I decided to back out, the instructor would not have seen me.  But I did it.  The whole group was exhausted as was our instructor, we all worked hard, but our hearts were not in it.  The three of us were encouraging each other and jollying each other along.  When I was done, I was one happy, sweaty mess.  I was so damn proud of myself.  I trotted off to the bus and whilst waiting I checked out Facebook.  To be faced with this picture.

My heart sank.  I looked at it again, and felt tears gathering in my eyes.  The beginning of the end had finally arrived.  Work had begun on the pub.  The picture shows deep coring.  Which is what you do to find out if the land is suitable to be built on.  I can only hope that its not and we can have our pub back and this nightmare will be over.  I have been in a strange mood ever since.  I guess I just always thought that right would win out and we would one day have our pub back.

Looking at the photo, I am reminded of what seemed like endless summer days and nights in that garden.  The second story windows used to have a terrace and a grassed area under them, yes grass on the second floor.  In summer, on a good, proper summer day, we would climb out the window onto the terrace and sit on the grass with a bucket of ice and cider as the night descended.  Most likely after having sat in the garden in the sun for a number of hours.  Sometimes after a good sing a long with Simzy, if it was a Sunday.  We would look out over the high street and watch the locals coming and going, sometimes a few foxes too. Often we would have an iphone in a glass to amplify the sound, for music. We would chat, play drinking games, laugh and just generally chill.  And literally chill, it would often be 1am before we came in from the terrace, when it would finally be cool enough to contemplate 

sleeping. 

I look back at this time, and right now, those feel like the golden days.  Sure we all still had issues and problems, but we were together.  Most of the people that sat on that terrace are either scattered across the world or about to be scattered across the world.  Its times like this that I dearly miss Cate & Aaron.  I miss the in jokes – Aaron, please can you call me a cab?  You’re a cab! – I miss the cuddles and I miss the jam sessions that often went on till the wee small hours.  I miss the belonging that came with the 

pub.

I have not had a proper chat with my friends or family, both in London or at home for a long time, time has not been on my side.  Over the next week, I intend to reconnect, because quite frankly, I need them!  I would not be the person I am today without them.  The world is beginning to shift again and there are huge changes happening in my life, which leads to some pretty strange headspace, so bare with me peeps, its not all bad, just taking some getting used to!

Five Years is a long time

A little over 5 years ago, I left NZ to begin my adventure. I was a wide eyed girl who was not really sure what to expect, how I was going to feel and if I could really do this thing. I spent two months traveling before I settled in London and had the time of my life.  Then I crashed down to reality.  I remember crying myself to sleep on my first night in London.  Who was I kidding that I could do this?

Now I am a seasoned Londoner. I survived the dreaded first six months, and have the scars to prove it. I survived being very very ill, all by myself. Don't get me wrong, I had the support of my family and friends from afar, but here in London, at the time I felt very much alone. A friend recently told me that she thought that I was the toughest person that she knew, as after nearly a year here, she was finding it really tough, and that she could not believe that I had survived for five! But here is the thing. I had no idea how tough I was until I needed to be.

Please don't get me wrong, I love London. I love it a lot. I would not still be here if I didn't. This city gets under your skin and all of a sudden when you are knee deep in the most challenging six months of your life, you see the Albert Bridge lit up at night and pinch yourself, you are in London. All the dreaming about moving to this world class city has come true.

Sure you miss your family and friends. I have missed all of my friends pregnant. And that guts me. I have missed seeing all of their beautiful babies as babies and I miss that. But it is a blast meeting them now, a summer ago, I spent time with Keenan who became my wee shadow. I love sending them post cards and feeling like I am close to them on the other side of the world. I have been away for over half of Sam's (my nephews) life now. And I am so very sad about that. It breaks my heart that he can no longer remember when I lived in NZ. I remember crying in the airport and hugging him, and him saying that I had put wet on his face. He was so little. Now he is running triathlons and can no longer fit on my knee.

But here is the thing, I have dreamed of this all of my life. I may not have known what it would have cost me, but I have dreamed of it. Nothing compares to the feeling of seeing scenery or seeing a monument that you have studied, and to be standing there with it in arms reach. I cried tears of joy and relief at seeing the Sistene Chapel. I still get goose bumps when I see the Albert Bridge all lit up. I dread taking a trip to Heathrow as the ol' Heathrow ass injection gets me everytime. But I love this city and I love that it has taught me how strong and independent I am. I miss driving but then I get to love it when I drive a van to move a friend from city to city. I was laughing at myself today as I went head out and grabbed a scarf. I am indoctrinated English, in that I believe that even on a sunny day, you need a scarf. I am not quite so English that I take an umbrella everywhere, yet. But I am obsessed with the weather and consult the iphone app before heading out to outdoor events, what can I say, its an affliction.

So here is where it stands, I have a slightly English accent, and I speak a hell of a lot slower than I used too. I have an ever diminishing London family, and I now have friends all over the world, but I am kiwi to the core. I may not be nearby, but I skype and message with my friends often. Facebook is a great invention. I miss my homeland and its likely to be the rubbish weather that drives me, like the rain, from England back to the South Pacific, but it won't be for a few years yet. I love my homeland and I will be back one day soon, but for now, cheerio from the land of horrid weather.

Tubes - they are not attractive places

What is it with me and men on tubes? Why does this seem to be the place where I get chatted up the most? The lighting is rubbish and most often I have my nose in a book and my ipod on. I hardly look my best and I am not very attentive...

So last weekend, I was battling a medium level hangover, and had promised to meet a friend on the South Bank. I had gotten up, made myself somewhat presentable and headed to my favourite local cafe for some sustenance before braving the tube. I had a delicious round of eggs bene, a fruit smoothie, and then after I had finished feeling squeamish from that had a pot of peppermint tea and a brownie. That had a crème egg baked into it. You know that there is something wrong when I am breaking out the peppermint tea. So after reading my book in the warmth of the cafe and feeling generally sorry for myself, I realised the time and headed out to catch the tube.

I decided to take the bus from Balham to Stockwell and grab the Northern line from there. I was standing on the platform when tube pulled in. I was standing where I knew that the exit would be at Waterloo, to make for a speedy exit. As the tube pulled in, a man on the tube caught my eye. He was staring at me and looking me directly in the eye. I gulped and got on the carriage and sat down opposite him. We barely broke eye contact during that 30 seconds. So I sat down and we stared at each other. After another 30 seconds I began to feel silly, he had his earphones in too, so I opened my book and started to read, very aware of his eyes on me. The next time I looked up, he was playing a game on his phone, but caught my eye nonetheless.

The tube got stuck at Oval for a few minutes and we both listened very attentively to the announcement, and both sneaked a shy smile at each other.

At Kennington, my delicious mystery man stood up and mouthed the words, 'Have a good day' to me and started to get off the tube. I mouthed 'You as well' and treated him to my biggest smile. He motioned for me to come with him. I just waved and blew him a kiss as the tube pulled away.

I relayed this story to my friend when we met up and told her that even though this encounter was really nothing more than two strangers smiling at each other, that it made me realise that I still have it and that even feeling like rubbish, I can still be attractive. She asked why on earth I had not gotten off the carriage and spoken to this man? There are a number of reasons for this, not in the least that he could have been a serial killer. But more likely, that the illusion and the thought of him is going to be much better than the real thing. And lets not forget I was still feeling very green around the gills. I would not have wanted to start it off feeling like that. And I am actually incredibly shy when it comes to men, I would have most likely tripped off the carriage, sworn and then said something really inappropriate and then his illusion of me would have been shattered.

So its better this way, us both remembering each other as the attractive flirty people on the tube. We will never have to deal with the grumpy versions of each other, argue about what to watch on tele, or clean up after each other. One day I will not be so shy, when someone asks me out, I will, firstly realise what they mean, and secondly say yes. And then according to my latest Scottish future seer, I will fall madly in love and be happy ever after. Apparently it has to happen if I am going through all the hassle of leave to remain. Its destiny.

So man on the tube, thanks. Thanks for making me smile, thanks for making me feel attractive and thanks for being so damn hot yourself.