Blonde in Turkey...

So, I am going to try my hand at travel writing – let me know how I do, its all new to me…

Istanbul, Turkey – Day 1 & 2

On first arriving here, I was happy that as a Kiwi I didn’t have to pay for a visa.  We met an Aussie in the passport control que and had to direct her to the visa line.  This was the first of many of the people we were going to meet on our trip.  In the que we stalked other Kiwis and Aussies, who were all there to begin the Topdeck 8 day tour of Turkey that would include ANZAC day.  We found 8 of us in total, enough to share a taxi with into the city centre and off we went.

In the taxi we all exchanged the normal chat – where at home were you from, do you know this person, are you living in London, how long for and when are you going home?  Turns out that I am a London veteran at nearly 4 years.  And I was the only one who intends to stay there longer than the end of the year.  I guess it’s true, everyone is heading home.

 

Whilst we were doing this I was drinking in my first look at Istanbul.  We speed past the old city walls, casual ruins among the new roads and fountains of the city.  We passed hundreds of mosques – the minarets looking so romantic, we just don’t have them in London.  On all of them were speakers, a modern addition.  I was longing to hear my first call to prayer. 

 

We arrived at our hotel, miraculously, I am not really sure that there are any road rules in this new city.  Our driver basically stopped in the middle of the road and we got out as traffic backed up behind us, he seemed very unconcerned.  I had checked out our hotel on the internet, it looked lovely, how wrong I would turn out to be.

Our tour guide Billy met us with a bemused grin, it seems that the scene in reception had been resembling Fawlty Towers for some time.  The lady yelling in Turkish was a nice touch.  We checked in after about an hour, it turns out that there had been a leak in some of the rooms so some people were staying across the road and the other tour group had to stay a lot further away.  Our room was on the 7^th floor and from there, if I stuck my head out the balcony door I could see the bay and also a lovely huge mosque.  The sunset from there was stunning. 

 

Random Roman Columns in the middle of the footpath

We had a few hours till our tour dinner, so a group of us headed up to the Grand Bazar.  As we walked along, it was lovely to feel the hot sun on my skin and also to see more ruins littered around.  Roman columns that you could just go and touch.  In fact there were people sitting on them smoking.  As we neared the Bazar, the clocks ticked over and I heard my first call to prayer.  It’s a haunting poetic sound that I would hear many many times, thankfully it never woke me in the middle of the night.

The Bazar is a chaotic, confusing labyrinth of streets and sellers, all calling for your attention.  They repeat slogans such as ‘do you want to buy something you don’t need?’ or they just blow kisses or comment on your ankles, either way they are wanting your money.  The trick is to haggle.  Something that I am useless at.  I managed to buy two tealights for cheap price.  It’s amazing that by the end of the trip I was having to remind myself that in British Pounds these items were cheap and not to be so annoyed when I could not get them for less Turkish Lira.  The traditional Turkish lights, crockery and tea sets are beautiful, and I was cursing myself for not bringing a bigger bag for shopping.

Our fishbowl came with fireworks

A little after 8pm, after a pep talk from our tour leader Billy and our local guide Alp, we all began the half hour walk to Sultanamhet, which is a more westernised area of the city.  The people there are more used to the western way of dress and culture.  On the way I stopped to take photos and was called out to by a restaurateur as I was running to catch up – I had apparently dropped something, they were pointing at it.  When I went back to ask what, he said to me ‘look there my heart’.  Laughing I ran back to catch up with the group.  This is what it was to be like for the rest of the trip, being blonde in Turkey is a gift and a curse.  You get special drink deals, but you also get attention you would rather not.  We ended up in this cute bar, where we all sat on the floor on cushions around a table, we ordered cheap cocktails and Katie and I even had a fish bowl.  And this is where the fun really began.  We proceeded to drink a lot, chat a lot and then when the shisha pipes arrived, smoke a lot.  During this time, our waiter/bartender took quite a shine to me.  When he started talking about how he comes to London twice a year, and that he would like to see me then I thought to myself that I was in a bit over my head.  He asked me to come back the next night when it was a bit quieter, yeah right.

The next day, we began with a hearty local breakfast of cheese, meat and cucumbers.  I had cornflakes with really delicious yogurt, along with a boiled egg.  A random mix but it was ok.  We were in for a long day of walking. 

Medusa in the Underground Cistern

We headed back to the Hippodrome area of Istanbul, where we visited the Blue Mosque, only after covering up appropriately, Hagia Sophia, Topaki Palace and the Underground Cistern.  Our local guide Alp told us a lot of history and pointed out many interesting things in these amazing landmarks.   I still struggle to take in the age of these monuments.  They were built long before NZ was even thought of and they are of such a grand scale.  Of course there were my favourite stairs, the ones made of marble that have bowed in the middle where they have been worn down by so many people standing and walking on them.  I loved all of these places, but my favourite was probably the Underground cistern.  It is beautifully lit, and a little spooky.  The best bit was the two Medusa heads.  The superstitious craftsmen had refused to put them upright as they did not want them to be turning anyone to stone, so they are upside down or on their sides.

We ended the day with a Bosphorus cruise.  It was starting to get a bit cold by then and the wind was a bit much.  It was also the first introduction that we had to Efes, a local beer.  From then on it would be a highlight of the trip.  I didn’t drink it of course, but there were cheers when it appeared from then on.  The cruise was lovely, we saw both the old and the Asian sides of the city as well as many more forts and ruins. 

 

After the cruise we caught a rush hour tram back to the hotel – we were squeezed in like sardines and it was the first time that I was patted, by a man with his arm around his wife.  Great.  We were all flagging a bit and our group of friends decided to head to a local café for dinner.  We had a great kebab from them the day before when we were waiting to check in and the dinner was lovely.  Later we would find out that apparently the kebab we had was likely to contain seagull.  There is no way that you can buy chicken for 3TL – which is a little over £1.  It tasted good to me! 

It was then off to bed, as we had a big day ahead of us the next day.  Apparently 13 hours on the bus... 

Nearly a storm

I love a good storm.  I love it when the thunder and lightning fight it out in the sky and the air crackles with electricity.  The rain pelts and I want to stand under the eaves and be a part of it.  In summer there is nothing better than an impromptu dance in a summer storm.  In winter there is a certain perverse pleasure in being inside warm and cosy and watching a storm.  When it’s raining and stormy like that, I feel like my mood is matched by the weather.

So you can imagine my excitement this afternoon when there was a crack of thunder so loud that it made the windows rattle in our building.  However it was not to be, there was no pelting rain, just a lot of dark clouds that must have been as frustrated as me waiting for the chance to rain.  There have been the odd splotches of rain but nothing worthy of those black clouds.

 

This week has been interesting.  Short weeks are always a nightmare at work, everyone feels the same, 6 days work are shoved into 4 instead of the normal 5 and everyone is scrambling to hit deadlines.  I have been among those who have started work early and every night this week I have not finished before 6.30pm.  Which is unheard of for me.  It suddenly dawned on me on Monday, that I am going to Turkey next Thursday and now I am beginning to panic again.  It took till Thursday but the panic is back.  There are loads of deadlines to meet and there will be more when I come back from what will be a full on holiday.

But there have been some exciting moments this week.  I got tickets to fun.  Fun. are a band from the States that I have become ever so slightly obsessed with.  I have purchased their albums off Amazon and thrash them on my ipod.  They are a folky/poppy band that are brilliant for a sing-a-long.  The first set of tickets sold out in 3 mins flat.  Considering no one else that I know seems to have heard of them I was a bit stunned.  Yesterday when they announced that there were 150 extra tickets going on sale, I was hopeful but not convinced that I could get the 4 that I was after.  But after getting up early and downing the first energy drink since lent ended, I got them.  And by the way I won’t be having an energy drink anytime soon – I had the shakes and was so jittery.  No more, no more.  But I got the tickets!  A bargain at £8.50.

Ironically, a diet coke ad just came on the tele.  Ugch, I loved diet coke, and oh oh how I craved it for the entire of Lent.  It was all I wanted, I woke up thinking about it, I could visualise the first coke after Lent ended.  That is real addiction.  Imagine my disappointment when I was finally rewarded and I got to have it, and it was horrid.  It tasted nothing like I remember and it made my body feel awful.  I won’t be having that again.  In stark comparison, the first vodka and lemonade was beautiful.  Never has a drink looked so sparkly, so refreshing and so enticing.  It was lovely.  I choked a little on the lemonade bubbles, but oh it was lovely.

Another bright spot in today, the day of unrequited storms, is American Idol.  They just murdered Gotye and Kimbra, se below.  This song was introduced to me by a good mate on a road trip, and I have loved it ever since.  Not so great that they ruined it, but other than that I love perving at Steven Tyler and singing along to some of my favourite songs.  Oh and watching Steven Tyler perving at all of the girls!  It’s hilarious, he gets this glazed look in his eyes and you are just waiting for him to say – I like the dress you got on or you look good tonight.  He never fails to compliment legs in a short skirt.

Oh and don’t forget to check out Titanic in real time on twitter.  100 years ago on Tuesday just been, the Titanic left Southampton in the UK.  The twitter is by the history channel and there are some great moments, like today they said that they had been warned of ice fields but that nothing could sink this boat.  Oh the sick anticipation waiting for the tweet that says that they have hit the iceberg.  I don’t think that I can sit through the movie again though, once was enough.

Ok so got very off topic.  Back to the storms, I am wanting a big stormy release, I want the heavens to open, I want the streets to flood and the air to smell so clean and fresh like it does when the rain stops.  And then I want to get on the plane next week and enjoy 20+ degrees in Turkey.  I want to feel the sun on my skin and the panic subside.  What are you waiting for?  Do you love a good storm?  Or do you hide under the covers to avoid it?

Loving Easter Weekend

Last week at work was hard.  I woke up most mornings feeling panicky, heart racing and thinking about the crazy day ahead.  But on Friday, for the first time in a week, I woke up calm and happy.  It was such a nice feeling and a welcome change.   The night before I had been to the pub where Billy Mac and the Five Faith had performed a Save the Castle gig, and I had helped raise money so that they could get paid. A pretty much perfect weekend had begun.

Friday, I got up late and headed into Covent Garden when I met up my good friend Caz and her flatmates.  They had spent the day shopping and taking photos in central London.  We headed to Neals Yard, which is a super cute square in London.  We had a delicious Moroccan meal, the food was amazing.  Now that Lent was apparently over, I was able to eat carbs and eat carbs I did.  I was so full.  The company was great and the cold mint tea was divine.

Caz with the Sheep Egg

After our massive meal we wandered around a bit and then headed into the Piazza at Covent Garden where all of the eggs from the London-wide Egg Hunt had congregated.  They are really fun, they will be auctioned off for charity shortly so it was great to see them before they are scattered again.  After that, Nicky and I headed to the pub to see our friend Brooke preform, in what ended up being a pretty much private concert.  She has an amazing voice and it was great to be able to chill out with good friends and good music.  We stayed after closing for a few drinks and then headed home for a much needed chat to my parents.

Saturday dawned a bit rainy, again I got up late and headed out to get the shopping and do some baking.  I made a delicious cake for Easter Sunday and a batch of biscuits as well.  I then devoured nearly the whole first season of Sons of Anarchy that I had rented from the library.  I love it.  Jax is one hot man, and apparently he divides his time between London and LA….  It was nice to have a day to myself, to chill and spend time doing the things that I love without having to rush.

Easter Sunday was great.  I headed out to Hammersmith with my baking to see my friends H and P.  I love spending time with them.  They are great hosts and have really nice friends.  H’s parents were down for the weekend and I suspect for wedding preparations.  We had a lovely afternoon eating and drinking way too much.  They have two wee cats as well, and despite having to take my inhaler and antihistimines, I survived!  It was a perfect day.

And today – again I am up way to late and am about to get my bake on for the now traditional Castle family Easter celebrations.  Sadly this will be the last one at the Castle, so it’s a bit mixed for me.  I am chilling wine and really looking forward to seeing friends who I only saw on Friday, but it seems like forever ago.  I love this hotchpotch family where pretty much anyone is accepted. 

The other exciting news is that I have pretty much beaten my Diet Coke addiction.  I have been craving the stuff all lent.  But when I had some yesterday, it tasted awful and it made me feel worse.  I will not be doing that again in a hurry.  Lemonade I can stand, although I do choke a little on it at first, but I need it for the delivery of vodka.  On Good Friday looking at that first Vodka and Lemonade I was so excited – it looked so sparkly and pretty and my god it tasted like heaven.  I guess I can’t conquer everything at once.

So that was my chilled out Easter weekend.  How did you spend yours?  Do you ever get the panicky feeling that I had last week?  What do you do to get rid of it?  Or does it just go like mine did and you feel better?  Oh and so glad that NZ managed to have a road toll of 0 this weekend!  Good work guys xxxxx

Worrying - it's shit

I have begun watching a new programme called Offspring.  Its great and I love it.  It is made and set in Australia and centres around the Proudman family.  The main character Nina is an obstetrician.  But she is also a worrier.  She narrates her thoughts so we are privy to the worry, the self doubt, the wanting, the loathing and the humour.  We get the lot.  And Nina reminds me of me.

The first episode sees it all becoming a bit much for Nina and she ends up lying on her bed, having a panic attack.  The next thing you know, her sister is holding a paper bag to her mouth helping her to breathe, so it’s a pretty bad one.  God have I been there.  There is nothing worse, your thoughts are racing, and it feels like there is a weight on your chest that consists of your own and everyone else’s problems and you just cannot escape.  The problem is that most of these issues are blown out of all proportion and actually, there is nothing to worry about.  But it will be a while after the panic attack before you can realise this.  Of course there is also the point, that worrying is the most useless emotion ever, worrying will not fix the problem.

I go through periods of extreme worrying.  I will become an insomniac over it.  I will lie awake staring at the ceiling worrying about anything and everything.  I will cry a bit.  I will be hot so I will get up.  I will watch some tv.  I will read a magazine or a book.  But always in the back of my mind there is a loop with the worries going around.  They range from current worries, things that are current and happening now, to past worries, mistakes that I made in the past, and future worries, mistakes that I will make in the future or what shape that future might have.  I find that if I am not kept sufficiently busy than I will inevitably end up back in the loop. 

 

Most of the time I can keep on top of the worries.  Eating well, exercising and having plenty to do helps.  But every now and then, like a few days last week, they get the better of me.  Every now and then I have a wee melt down.  Sometimes it’s best to have the melt down, get it all out and then get over it.  Sometimes it’s better to power through and keep forcing these worries to the back of your mind.  The trick is knowing what to do when.  As a worrier of old, I am quite good at knowing what to do and how to cope.  Last week a strategy was to tell a good friend, via text, what I was feeling and that I just needed to tell someone.  She was great and made me feel loved, wanted and most of all understood that I just needed to get it out.  All of my friends currently have a lot on their plates, so I find it hard to open up to them.  I don’t want to add one more thing to their already precarious juggling act.  I worry about them.   You see most of the time I know that time is the solution to these worries, but hey no one likes that solution.  We all know that time is a great healer, but it’s hard to have the patience to wait it out.  Then one day you wake up and realise that you have slept through the night for a week and that you are no longer worrying or hurting anymore. 

 

I have heard it said before that Virgo’s are prolific worriers and that it is just a trait that you have to learn to live with.  My one and only Virgo boyfriend (note to self, Virgo’s should not date Virgo’s, we are terrible together), sympathised with this – sadly the time in which I knew him, I was a bit of a crazy mess, there was very little sleeping going on and a lot of worrying.  As he so eloquently put it – Worrying is shit.  It’s a wasted emotion and makes you feel inadequate and awful.  He encouraged me to learn not to worry.  Of course cause every worrier likes to worry.  For a while there I got really good at not worrying.  In fact there may be some of my friends reading this now in a little bit of confusion, they would tell you that I was easy going and that not a lot fazed me.  Worriers are great actors.

Here is a snippet of my current worries to give you an idea – was I too harsh with a friend for being late, Money money money, will I be forgotten in NZ if I decide to stay here, will I stay here, did I do the right thing by sending that, am I good at my job, will I get a new job, did I make a complete fool out of myself when I got drunk a year ago, will I be able to run 5k in just over a month’s time, will the landlord put the rent up, will my fav pub be demolished, are my friends working themselves to hard and how can I help, will my nephew always remember what a fun times we used to have or will he outgrow me, will I ever have a child of my own, will I ever get married, do I keep up with friends at home enough, what can I do to encourage more people to recycle, what will I do when nearly everyone goes home this year and so on and so forth.  As you can most of it is completely useless, worrying about these things will not stop them happening, or change the past.  And you know what, next week it will be a whole new set, or it will be none at all.  It all depends on what is going on around me.

So are you a worrier?  Do you hide it well or is it well known?  What to do you do to alleviate it?  Do you believe in star signs?  Is your list of worries similar to mine, are our worries simply typical of my age/situation?  Are your worries worse in winter?  Could it just be seasonal affect disorder?  Who knows, but I am sure that I will worry over that at a later date. As Zooey Deschanel – my fav girl crush of the moment says – You gotta be kind to yourself.  This is advice that I am trying very hard to take.

There is not much going on...

It has been a quiet few weeks.  There is really not much to say – nothing exciting has been happening.  I have been cooking and going to the gym, and at the moment I am really tired.  It’s Lent again and I have been doing very well.  I am eating well, feeling great and other than a few detox spots, my skin is looking fab.

 

Lent always leads me to be healthier and to be a bit reflective.  It’s like a total detox for me, mind and body.  The weather is nicer which makes it nicer to be outside walking or running, and it’s great to be outside in the beer garden again.  Today I had a real tidy up of my garden.  Don’t get me wrong, domestic goddess in most other ways (although my cleaner can take some of that crown) I am not a gardener.  I hate it.  There are too many gross things in the ground, worms, slugs, slaters, and spiders.  And all of them have me telling myself to calm down and to breathe.  Oh and Don’t Scream.  Today the sun was shining, and it’s hard to be unhappy when you are getting some sun and listening to some great music and pulling weeds out of the ground.  I am aching from having to brace myself and pull out some of the insidious trees that have taken root. 

The thing that is surprising me so much about myself at the moment is my sudden interest in plants and greening.  I have always been environmentally conscious – I drive my flatties mad by pulling pieces that can be recycled out of the bin, but I have never really been too keen on getting out there and planting stuff.  But recently my imagination has been captured.  I am beginning to be more interested in growing food and greening.  I am interested in putting out plants that will help the ever declining bees.  I am ever so slightly in love with bees.  Which given that I hate all other insects surprised everyone including me.  I would be surprised if I ever actually have bees in my own back yard, but it is highly likely that I will be in charge of bees for work, so if I can help the wee things in any way that I can, I will.  So I guess that my lesson here is that even after nearly mumble mumble 32 years mumble mumble, I am capable of surprising myself at what I can do.

But there are a few clouds in my sky at the moment.  Things are changing around me and that always leads me to be bit nervous.  On Thursday I said goodbye to another friend who is moving back to her native Canada.  It seems like everyone around me is getting new jobs, having babies (yes another round of people having more babies!) and generally getting on with it.  I am beginning to get on with it, this year sees me travelling a lot more and early next year will see me applying for indefinite leave to remain.  But I have never been patient, my Mum will tell you that I hate waiting for anything.  I want it all and I want it yesterday. 

Tomorrow the sun is predicted to shine again!  Yay, the weather is predicted to be fine for the next week.  I am excited as I will be spending two afternoons walking around looking for areas to be greened in London.  Be it climbing up on roofs to see if they will be big enough for a garden or seeing if there are too many services in the pavement to put a garden in or not.  It’s a fun project.  And tomorrow I am off out for brunch with some good friends, who I hope will realise that the clocks go forward tonight.

So it’s been a very quiet, well behaved lent for me.  How has it been for you?  Are you still sticking to your resolution for Lent?  Did you bother with Lent?  What’s been happening?

Head, Heart or Gut

Most people find decision making difficult.  I hate it, but when I want to be I can be pretty decisive.  I will make a decision and it will be hard to sway me from that decision.  I hate it when people dither and cannot decide what they want.  Drives me insane.  And if I say I am going to do something I do it.  Like when I decided that I was going to bungy jump.  I was scared but I had said that I was going to do it, so I did.  It was so much fun.  Or when I decided to move to the UK.  Once I had decided that was it, the rollercoaster had begun, best buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Most people will make decisions one of three ways, with their head, heart or gut.  Different decisions call for different methods, but most people will have a fall back position that they tend to work from.  For me I will always trust my gut, I will have a feeling as to how things are going to work out, it’s normally right.  That is not to say that I will not sometimes ignore it.  When I ignore it, some pretty disastrous things happen – dating your flatmate anyone?  And different life stages often call for different ways of thinking about situations.

For a while there my heart ruled me.   What it wanted, I went for.  I made some terrible decisions.  I delayed travelling for a man who I thought was going to be my world.  He wasn’t.  He was a rebound relationship that should have ended after a month or so, not five years.  In some ways that worked out ok because it would have been a very different travel experience for me had I travelled five years earlier.  It lead me to decide on the spur of the moment that it was time to pack up and leave NZ indefinitely, rather than just the holiday that I had planned.  Not the worst decision that I ever made but perhaps some more thought and planning could have gone into it.

Then my head took over, my heart was not doing a great job you see.  My heart had lead me to a rather disastrous relationship that nearly saw me decide not to travel, and after it was trampled a few times it was not in any shape to be making decisions.  So my head was definitely in charge.  For the best, the head told me that I should stay in the UK no matter what, that I needed to prove to myself that I could do this and that there might never be another chance in my life to see the world as freely as what I do now.  This was a great decision, had I not stuck it out past the first six months of almost pure hell, I would not have the amazing friends that I have now, or have had the amazing experiences that I have had living away from home.  I have learned a lot about what I can handle this way.  That is not to say that it has been easy.  In those first few months, my grandmother who was in perfect health when I left NZ, became ill and passed away in the space of two weeks.  Oh how I wanted to get on a plane and fly home.   I was convinced by my parents that I should stay put, that my grandmother would not have wanted me to give up my dreams to come home for this.  They were right of course, but that didn’t stop it hurting. 

So for the last few years, I have made the conscious decision to make decisions with my head and my gut.  My gut is really good at telling me when I am not safe, when I need to get the hell out of a situation or generally reading a situation.  It has been invaluable when traveling.  So my heart has not had a say.  In fact it’s kinda been off limits, as it has a terrible track record and it tends to get hurt to easily.  Some good decisions have been made.  Fun has been had and life has been all good.   I can hardly complain.  Only, it’s been a bit lonely.   Or a little bit scary to think of a life where my heart is off limits for good.  There have been some great opportunities that I have let pass me by.  And let’s face it, I am a bit of a pushover, in my current work, one of my projects involves getting long term unemployed into work, my heart breaks for these people and I want to employ them all.  Sadly, it’s not realistic and neither is it doing my job.  I have to give myself a good talking too often.

Earlier this year, when my head was fully in charge, a number of things happened to and around me in a very short space of time.  And every single one of them made me realise that life is too short, not to let my heart have some kind of say, otherwise I will end up a crazy old lady with a heart full of regrets.  So this year, my heart has had some kind of say, with some restraints and safety nets but a say nonetheless.  So far it’s been ok, not easy, but ok.  It’s not worked out quite the way that I had hoped, but my head is there to make sure that I am not too broken when it doesn’t go my way.  My heart desperately wants to move back to NZ.  After seven long weeks of being back in London, my head thought that the homesickness would be over and done with.  But my head also tells me that the best place for me right now is in London, as do most of my friends.  So for once in my life, I am making balanced decisions, head, heart and gut are all having a say.  Is this what being a grown up is about? 

How do you make decisions?  What is your fallback?  Do you think that certain people are predisposed to certain methods?  Being a hopeless romantic I guess that I am destined to always have a certain amount of heartfelt decisions, maybe I will just have to learn to be ok with that.