Tell me what you want (preferably me)

Its been a rather busy couple of months and I am looking forward to a quieter January. Filled with girls nights, gym visits and a bit of well earned liver rest by being sober for it. But even in these busy times, I am learning more and more about myself. I am wondering if I will ever stop surprising myself.

One of the things that I have learnt more about myself is that I am actually a little bit shy. I know, please hold your gasps. I am not shy in most contexts, in fact my friends would say I am not shy at all. However, I am shy when it comes to people that I fancy. I am also completely clueless. If you try flirting with me, I encourage you to save your breath, unless you are being so obvious that even this blind, blondey can spot it. There have been a few cases in point, one of which was on my fake birthday. I was waiting whilst we cleaned up my friends pub and there was a regular who was staying on chatting to my friend A. I had not met this man before. He spent 15 minutes chatting me up and I had no idea. I chatted politely back to him and thought nothing more off it. Whilst 5 of my friends sat there with their mouths open. When he left, apparently saying to A, 'I tried!' whilst throwing his hands in the air, I got a lot of ribbing. I was so blind to it. My friends all said to me, never tell us that you don't hit on, we all saw it and from now on, they say the words 15 minutes to me when I am being clueless.

I guess that I am used to the more direct approach. I have never really dated. I have had two, five year relationships, both in my younger years, for the last 5 five years things have been a bit different. Back then things were a bit different, you would meet someone at a party or a club, have a cheeky snog, swap numbers and things would go from there. You knew for sure that they were interested and you would see how things developed from there. That is how it happened when we were young. Here is what I have discovered in the last week, it still happens like that for the very young.

Last Friday night, after what was a great night at my now closed local, a group of us were sitting around, just as the bar was closing, and a friend was bemoaning about how he needed to get back out there and go clubbing. I agreed and offered to go with him. He said how about now. I was not keen for now, I am not feeing very attractive at the moment and had loads to do the next day, I was not up for a big night. I was peer pressured into going out and reluctantly nipped across the road to where I am housesitting, put on some heels and a nicer t-shirt and headed out into Clapham. Wow, am I glad that I did. As I said I am not feeling hugely confident at the moment. We got there and what is normally a busy club was a bit quiet. It was the Christmas week after all. At about 12.45 it started to get busier and that is when the fun began. My friend went to the bathroom and that is when three young men started dancing with me. When I say young, I mean that they were easily under 25, in fact they would be lucky to be 24. My friend came back and instantly went into protection stance, I assured him it was fine. After a cheeky snog with one of them, they were chucked out of the bar for being too drunk. I thought it was hilarious. During the course of the night I was hit on a number of times and even had a really lovely girl tell me that I looked amazing and that is was the casually cool that always looked the best. I came home with a massive smile on my face and called the evening a success.

I don't know what is in the water at the moment, but on NYE I was hit on by another very young man, but I am playing by the international rules of half your age, plus seven and its o.k. from there on up. O.k. he was just within this bracket at 23, but you know what he was hot and he came onto me, so I see nothing wrong with it. (I was laughing as the second this young man laid so much as a finger on me, my protector popped up again and I had to reassure him that it was fine, I was happy with what was going on, almost like there was a sixth sense that I might need him. You know who you are and I love you for this – lets club again soon huh!). This man knew what he wanted and made it very clear. Tell me what you want, make it clear and I am much more likely to respond. This past week has done wonders for my self esteem.

I am not good a game playing, I think that as we get older, that we tend to become a bit more reserved, our days of going clubbing, getting tipsy and pashing people come to an end. People pair off and settle down. The socially acceptable situations where it's o.k. to snog random strangers diminish. Except for some of us that does not happen. We are left with flirting with people who we think might be interested, being too scared to make a move and getting gradually worse self esteem. Which is why I am advocating that we look to bring back some of the confidence that we had when we were young. The directness. The assurance that there is nothing lost if it does not work out. I am not saying that its easy, but at the moment I feel good about myself and that shows and draws others in. I know that I will not be this brave forever, that I will still have my dark moments where all I can see are my flaws, but I have to learn to work with what I have and love me for me. And as my Mum loves to tell me, my Grandma was older than my Grandad and it worked out fine for them, don't worry about peoples ages. Go Grandma.

So there you have it, 2013 has started off with a bang. Its going to be a good year, new job, new visa (cross your fingers), new experiences and new men. Yay!

Do they know it's Christmas time at all...

Its Boxing Day morning in a slightly sunny London, and I know that I should still be sleeping but due to my seasonal asthma I am not.  I love waking up gasping for breath and sounding like an old person, it really makes my day.  So now I am wide awake, it’s time for me to blog, something that I have been contemplating for the last few weeks, but in usual Nic style have put it off.

There have been many exciting developments in my life, it feels like after a really hard year that it is all starting to turn around and look up.  A little faith has gotten me through the year and I am now reaping the rewards. 

I have a sparkly new job.  Without going too far into the details, which would be very unprofessional, I had been very unhappy with my old job for a long time.  I was grateful to have a job in this climate, when I know that there are so many people much less fortunate than me, but it was really time for me to stop temping after four and a half years.  I have a visa renewal coming up and it would have looked really bad for me not to have found a permanent contract after so long.  Although I have been temping at the same place and even had my own projects to run, it was time for something new.  So after a year of looking for just the right job, making it down to the last two on a number of occasions, I finally landed a great job for the London Borough of Lambeth.  I am a Finance and Monitoring officer, which is basically budgets and spreadsheets.  Ironic really, I can budget for these massive million pound projects, but have issues managing my small salary.  Once the Monitoring is under control, there will be opportunities to be involved in the project work as well.  So I am excited about meeting new people and facing new challenges, with the comfort of knowing that I am not far from my friends.  I can see my old desk from my new desk. 

The last month has been a bit of a rollercoaster.  The new job was a high point.  However, there were a few others.  Least of which was my blind date.  I am pretty game for anything that will be a bit of a laugh, so when a friend of a friend suggested that I would be suited to one of her friends, I thought why the hell not.  But here comes the reality check, I have not dated in years.  In fact I don’t actually think that I have ever been on a proper organised date like that.  So queue complete girliness of what will I wear and self esteem melt down.  There is nothing like a man to make you feel less than perfect and a bit nervous.  And all of this before I even met him.  I have great friends and they put up with a week of me being a complete nervous wreck.  The end result was a couple of very nice nights out with a nice man.  However, it was not meant to be and that is the end of the story.  What did I learn from this?  That I need to do some shopping and get some new clothes so that I have something nice to wear out on dates and that I am a crazy woman who needs to have faith in herself.

And then we have Christmas.  It’s a hard time of year for an expat.  This time last year I was in NZ, soaking up the sunshine and spending some much needed time with my family.  I was recovering from my sister’s wedding and getting ready to head up north to spend time with some of my favourite people.  Upon returning from that trip, my whole I am going to stay in the UK resolve was shaken, I began to seriously think about when it would be time to come home.  I knew that I was not ready to do so when my visa expired, but was not sure that I would want to apply for Indefinite Leave to Remain in June 2013.  I spent a lot of my year homesick and confused.  And just when I start to recover, along comes Christmas.  This Christmas was always going to be special and hard.  It is the first time that I have spent Christmas in London.  I have so far spent two at home, and a couple in Derby with a close friend and her family.  And it would be my first and last pub Christmas.  Exciting and sad all at the same time.  Christmas Eve saw me with a large group of those closest to me over here, drinking more than we should, and participating in bandi oke.  Like karaoke, but with my friend Brooke playing guitar and others doing the singing.  I was hesitant at first, the pub was still open and there were other randoms there.  But lets face it, I was always going to have a go and I was always going to love it.  And I did.  My friends are great and very supportive, they know I cannot sing, but that I love to do it nonetheless.  So we all got very drunk, sung our hearts out, I rocked Living on a Prayer, I am not going to lie, and we danced the night away.  Abby and I got asked out by two lovely Spanish men and we laughed a lot. After closing when the furniture had been rearranged for the following day and the pub had been cleaned, we all sat down for a drink.  And then Aaron made a speech, and it was sad.  For the last year we have worked out butts off trying to save this pub.  And we won for a while, but ultimately we have lost, this time next year the pub will be gone, turned into flats and all of the people in it will be dispersed.  Aaron and Cate will be at home in NZ and I will be someone else’s waif or stray.  There were tears.  And then there were a few more drinks, and then we all took turns sitting on his knee like Santa, giving him cuddles and keeping it all in as best we could.  I refuse to say goodbye or believe it just yet. 

Alright, so in the interests of not turning this into an essay or a book, here are a few of the highlights of Christmas.  I am housesitting close to the pub, so the stumble distance is a lot less and I don’t have to pay for taxis.  I have a few of my good friends staying as there is no public transport on Christmas day.  We have had a ball.  I facetimed with my family and again was given the guilts by Sam for not being home.  I really cannot answer the question of when I will be home.  I was spoilt by family and friends alike.  I have been surrounded by so much love and friendship from all around the world that it is hard to feel sad on Christmas, even when you are far away from home.  Aaron and Cate were great hosts, the food was amazing and the company even better.  I have laughed a lot over the past few days.  And it’s not over, there will be some very low key Boxing Day celebrations as well today.

So that’s a little of the craziness that has been happening in my world and in my head.  The next few days are going to be happy/sad probably both at the same time as there are some hard goodbyes said, but I know that I am a very lucky girl, I have people all over the world who I love and love me back and 2013 is shaping up to be an exciting year.  Hope that everyone had a brilliant Christmas and is looking forward to a stellar New Year!

Slide over here and give me a moment

A week ago, it was the 15 year anniversary of the death of Michael Hutchence.   Where were you 15 years ago?  What were you doing?  I was in the last few months of school.  I remember that day quite vividly.  

It was early Summer time in New Zealand and it was hot.  I was probably either on study leave, about to sit my Bursary exams or I had finished and had a long Summer ahead of me before I started Uni.  That night my boyfriend and I were down in Mission Bay, it was hot, it was late and with a couple of friends we had been having dinner on the beach.  As I was 17, I was not able to go clubbing as the age was 20 in NZ at the time.  But there was a club near the beach, and they were playing Never Tear Us Apart.  Loud.  I remember the four of us sitting on the beach, in the twilight, singing away to this moving song, by a wonderful man who was now lost for good.

I always fancied this man who by all accounts was an all round nice guy, but who lost his way in later life.  I recently watched a documentary about him on Sky Arts – which is a revelation to me in itself, I love this channel, but it took me down memory lane.  The music of my childhood was INXS, Barnesy, Cold Chisel… Aussie rock was big in our house.  And it still is.  My sis and I will rock out to Chisel any day of the week.  It made me sad that such a talented, caring and sweet person is lost to the world.  I was amazed a few years on from that, when INXS travelled the world and found a new lead singer.  JD Fortune sounded like Michael Hutchence, in some of their new songs I had to remind myself that it was not him.  Sadly, he succumbed to the same pressures and left the band after their first album as he was dealing with drug issues.

Whilst I was wandering down this memory lane, I stumbled on a doco about Nevermind, arguably the most famous Nirvana album.  That album is now over 20 years old.  I had it on cassette and one of my first CDs was Unplugged live in New York.  My parents can sing that word for word as I drove them insane with it.

Which got me thinking.  My life has changed so much over those 15 years.  The boyfriend is long gone, however, through our mutual friends we still know what each other are up to.  And my life is due for another big period of transition right about now.  My new job starts in two weeks.  My visa will be *crossing fingers* renewed in a months time.  The next year sees a large number of my friends heading back to kiwiland.  It had me thinking where I would be in 15 years time.  I hope that I am home in NZ, with a family and a home, and maybe just maybe am writing for a living.  Or I could be living in any country in the world, still indulging my travel bug.  One thing is for sure, there will still be songs that define my life.  Music that will speak to me and people who will share those memories.

Speaking of which – look out for the next blog where I will be able to talk about my stage debut – first a commercial and now the stage.  Next Monday night 10^th of December, come on down to the Half Moon in Putney to see me shake a tambourine for Abby when she plays a Christmas set. 

Time for a Quickie Mrs? OhhErrr

Here is a list of things that I am thinking about right now.  I wish I could write more but there is no time and the weather is making me melancholy...

• I need to blog more.
• I am missing my friends whilst I am in a self imposed exile of filling in forms and saving money
• Someone needs to come up with a sponsorship programme for singles who cannot afford to go internet dating due to their outrageous prices that are designed to make you feel both like a loser and undeserving of love at the same time
• Dating websites have the same effect as glossy mags on women, they tamper with our self esteem
• Homeland is genius and deserves lots of awards.  I love the ‘gaydates’ Craig and I have to watch it
• I am thinking a lot about moving home next year
• I really want to go to Glastonbury
• Gin is playing this week and I only just found out.
• As much as I love going to the gym and being sweaty with lots of other people, my love of chocolate will always win out.
• Green and Blacks need an award for finally making mint chocolate fondant.  Hallelujah.
• Smash was a brilliant series and I love the songs.  Judge away.
• The programme Parenthood makes me think of my family, as they are as close knit and nuts and the fictional family.
• My tailbone hurts a lot, the beanbag helps, but Abby my wonderful chiro would help more.  Roll on next week.
• I wish that I could sing/dance/play an instrument other than a tambourine so that I could be on shows such as Glee or Smash, they seem like real fun.
• I am worried about The Castle closing.
• I lie awake at night worrying about money and it sucks.
• My closest friends here are leaving me next year and that sucks too.
• I have three pregnant friends at home and I am gutted that I won’t be there for the babies when they are babies.
• Why did it take 6 months for my postcards from Turkey to reach the kids in NZ?  In my mind I see a man with a Turkish turban towing a shisha pipe hand delivering them with a few pieces of Turkish delight thrown in to make up for the delay. 
• London in Winter is miserable, the grey infects the soul and the skin, everything turns grey.
• I really want to do a walking holiday at Hadrian’s Wall next year  - who is in?
• I have just discovered Gangam Style and think its hilarious

So that is an insight into my nutty mind.  I promise to write about some or all or none of these subjects real soon.

x

Conference Stole My Life

I am unbelievably tired.  So I hope that this make sense.  I have been consumed over the last few weeks with a conference that I organised.  Oh did you know that I was organising an electric vehicle conference?  I have been a terrible friend over the last few weeks and have neglected everyone, so apologies to you all.  I have also been a terrible daughter and family member too.  I will email you all at some point and I promise to call you soon too.  I am only staying up to watch New Girl, which cheers me up no end.

So as I sit here, eating the last of my birthday food package from home, Choco-ade’s, they are the shit, I thought that I would tell you a bit about what has been going on for the last few weeks.

As most of you will have noted, The Castle Pub was saved.  Temporarily, but saved none the less.  We held a protest, we had placards that said ‘Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got till its gone, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot.’  These words seemed really apt, and they have come to mean a lot to me. That is 2 to us and 0 to the developers.  It was a well fought victory.  We were lucky to make it with a vote of 5-4 in favour of refusing the planning application.  It turns out that our victory was shortlived, there is another planning application in with the Wandsworth Council, and its time to crank up the objection machine again and campaign for all that we are worth.  I am gutted.  I cannot believe that these people cannot take a hint and quite frankly – fuck off.  My sentiments are shared.  One of the objections that I read today said that he wished that they would give up and go and bother someone else, preferably in another country.  So people, put your objections in, be sure to mention that this design is still a floor larger than anything else in the conservation area when you do.

Also this month, I got the chance to see one of my new fav bands, for the second time in six months.  Fun are on the up and up.  Their songs touch me, I empathise with their lyrics.  When I saw them in May, they cemented my love for them.  They were raw, loud and singalongy.  The singer Nate is hot, chatty and can sing.  He sounds like Paul Simon and performs with like Mick Jagger, all tongue and gorgeousness.  This gig was small and intimate and there were about 300 people there.  This time was a bigger affair.  They played the Shepards Bush Empire, which is a lovely venue, full of charm and character.  Fun were brilliant.  They were much more polished than the last time that I saw them.  Which I think was a bit of a shame, but they were brilliant none the less.  It was great to see Nate again, and this time he was a little nervous.  This was the biggest gig that they had played in Europe so far.  The crowd were clearly Fun fans as they were singing along to songs from their first album as well.  Fun are a band that are more than their singles.  This was shown by the crowd going mental from the get go, even when We are Young, was featured late in the set and Some Nights was the encore.  I still believe that this band has not given us their best yet.  I am glad that I have seen them twice when they were still young and raw, because the next time I see them, I think it will be in a stadium.  And I will probably pay a lot more than £15 for the pleasure.

The other thing that has happened was the conference.  I got up before 6am three mornings in a row.  In. A. Row.  I am not a morning person and it sucked.  And I worked 12-`14 hour days.  But it was amazing to see the hard work that I had put in for the last couple of months come off.  The people who attended from all over Europe had a great time.  It was so nice to see them again and it was a bit sad that it was the last time that we will see some of them as the project is ending.  But another one is starting in January and I am sure that I will be able to get my wedding planner organisation on again then.  I can see me with a utility belt and a headset, feeding someone their  speech and then maybe like J Lo, I too will get knocked over in the street by a Matthew McConaghy look a like.  Although since this is my fantasty, please can I have Ryan Gosling.

Right so a little off track there.  I am tired and life has been full.  I have had very little time to write and I regret that.  Will try harder this month.  Hope that you are all good. xxxxx