Tell me what you want (preferably me)

Its been a rather busy couple of months and I am looking forward to a quieter January. Filled with girls nights, gym visits and a bit of well earned liver rest by being sober for it. But even in these busy times, I am learning more and more about myself. I am wondering if I will ever stop surprising myself.

One of the things that I have learnt more about myself is that I am actually a little bit shy. I know, please hold your gasps. I am not shy in most contexts, in fact my friends would say I am not shy at all. However, I am shy when it comes to people that I fancy. I am also completely clueless. If you try flirting with me, I encourage you to save your breath, unless you are being so obvious that even this blind, blondey can spot it. There have been a few cases in point, one of which was on my fake birthday. I was waiting whilst we cleaned up my friends pub and there was a regular who was staying on chatting to my friend A. I had not met this man before. He spent 15 minutes chatting me up and I had no idea. I chatted politely back to him and thought nothing more off it. Whilst 5 of my friends sat there with their mouths open. When he left, apparently saying to A, 'I tried!' whilst throwing his hands in the air, I got a lot of ribbing. I was so blind to it. My friends all said to me, never tell us that you don't hit on, we all saw it and from now on, they say the words 15 minutes to me when I am being clueless.

I guess that I am used to the more direct approach. I have never really dated. I have had two, five year relationships, both in my younger years, for the last 5 five years things have been a bit different. Back then things were a bit different, you would meet someone at a party or a club, have a cheeky snog, swap numbers and things would go from there. You knew for sure that they were interested and you would see how things developed from there. That is how it happened when we were young. Here is what I have discovered in the last week, it still happens like that for the very young.

Last Friday night, after what was a great night at my now closed local, a group of us were sitting around, just as the bar was closing, and a friend was bemoaning about how he needed to get back out there and go clubbing. I agreed and offered to go with him. He said how about now. I was not keen for now, I am not feeing very attractive at the moment and had loads to do the next day, I was not up for a big night. I was peer pressured into going out and reluctantly nipped across the road to where I am housesitting, put on some heels and a nicer t-shirt and headed out into Clapham. Wow, am I glad that I did. As I said I am not feeling hugely confident at the moment. We got there and what is normally a busy club was a bit quiet. It was the Christmas week after all. At about 12.45 it started to get busier and that is when the fun began. My friend went to the bathroom and that is when three young men started dancing with me. When I say young, I mean that they were easily under 25, in fact they would be lucky to be 24. My friend came back and instantly went into protection stance, I assured him it was fine. After a cheeky snog with one of them, they were chucked out of the bar for being too drunk. I thought it was hilarious. During the course of the night I was hit on a number of times and even had a really lovely girl tell me that I looked amazing and that is was the casually cool that always looked the best. I came home with a massive smile on my face and called the evening a success.

I don't know what is in the water at the moment, but on NYE I was hit on by another very young man, but I am playing by the international rules of half your age, plus seven and its o.k. from there on up. O.k. he was just within this bracket at 23, but you know what he was hot and he came onto me, so I see nothing wrong with it. (I was laughing as the second this young man laid so much as a finger on me, my protector popped up again and I had to reassure him that it was fine, I was happy with what was going on, almost like there was a sixth sense that I might need him. You know who you are and I love you for this – lets club again soon huh!). This man knew what he wanted and made it very clear. Tell me what you want, make it clear and I am much more likely to respond. This past week has done wonders for my self esteem.

I am not good a game playing, I think that as we get older, that we tend to become a bit more reserved, our days of going clubbing, getting tipsy and pashing people come to an end. People pair off and settle down. The socially acceptable situations where it's o.k. to snog random strangers diminish. Except for some of us that does not happen. We are left with flirting with people who we think might be interested, being too scared to make a move and getting gradually worse self esteem. Which is why I am advocating that we look to bring back some of the confidence that we had when we were young. The directness. The assurance that there is nothing lost if it does not work out. I am not saying that its easy, but at the moment I feel good about myself and that shows and draws others in. I know that I will not be this brave forever, that I will still have my dark moments where all I can see are my flaws, but I have to learn to work with what I have and love me for me. And as my Mum loves to tell me, my Grandma was older than my Grandad and it worked out fine for them, don't worry about peoples ages. Go Grandma.

So there you have it, 2013 has started off with a bang. Its going to be a good year, new job, new visa (cross your fingers), new experiences and new men. Yay!