Writers Block

Over the last month or so, my life has been a bit of a roller coaster, but then let’s face it, my life is always a roller coaster.  I recently told my friends that the next email I sent them was not going start with ‘I have been crazy busy and I am sorry I have not written earlier’.  If I stick to that, I may never email them again at this rate.  Lately, I just want to vege and never leave my couch.  Chance would be a fine thing.  So tonight that is exactly what I am doing, I am spending the night watching Friday Night Lights, and chilling out.

This week saw the arrival of my second wee nephew, he is the cutest thing, after the first nephew I have.  I am missing being at home.  I wish that I was there to squeeze his chubbalub arms and give him what my family has coined an Aunty Elsie cuddle.  But he is super clever, he sent his Aunty a lovely selfie with a wee note telling me how he is going.  And Sammy told me last night that he will be telling his baby brother that I am super cool.  That will have to be enough for now.

It’s been hard to write the last few months.  There has been a lot going on, things that I don’t want to talk about, it seems that I have become an expert at bottling things up and putting on a brave face.  It’s hard to write from the heart, when you don’t want to face what’s there.  So you are writing with half of your heart, which means that it is never good enough, or says what you actually want it to say. 

It has been a year of goodbyes, the first being Miss Amy, who left for Aussie just after we saw the New Year in together, and the last will be Jake and Rach who will be leaving just before this New Year.  There have so, so many inbetween.  Each one has been heartbreaking in its own right.  I did begin the year writing about each sad goodbye in its own right, but that began to take its toll.  I took the last goodbyes really hard.  I cried for days with Caz & Alex left.  It’s funny, before I left NZ, no one could say that they had seen me cry, I was tough, I went through tragedy and breakups but seldom shed a tear in public.  It seems that since I have come to the UK and Europe I have become a big softie, I have become a crier and it kinda sucks.  No one was more surprised than me when I cried my way through Europe.  I have always been shit at goodbyes.  I cannot say goodbye to someone at an airport without losing it completely.  Caroline and Alex have probably seen the worst of that recently.  I was recently told that I was so very brave and so very strong, but that I needed to remember that it was ok to fall apart sometimes.  

Which comes to the reason that I am allowed to fall apart.  Frustratingly, after three years of being healthy, my endo has returned.  And it sucks.  Big time.  I am furious at the world that this has happened.  It’s just not fair that I am sick again.  It means more surgery early next year.  Which I am dreading, having been down this road before, I know what it’s going to be like.  Already I am in pain on a daily basis, and not just pain, debilitating, exhausting pain.  The last two weeks, by the end of the week I am so tired that I have been in bed and passed out by 10pm at the latest.  Not my ideal Friday night by any stretch of the imagination. 

But despite all of this, I am determined to be happy.  I wake up each day and say thanks for my amazing family the world over.  My London family who seem unable to stay in London are included in that.  I am grateful for all that I have and for the support that I have been offered.  I am so excited to begin a new year, I am excited about the travel, my project delivering, and getting better.  And I am also very happy that I have a Christmas Jumper, that shit is epic.